As the Chemo Drips

So much for posting an update quickly.  I just posted the update I did two weeks ago and sent the copy to my sister.  Yeah, I'm efficient like that.

First, let me explain something.  The fatigue that is caused by the drops in red cell count is telling.  It effects everything.  Your mood, thought process, your out look.  Not that I have had a negative out look, just getting tired of somethings.

I tend to be a bit more cynical and critical when I am tired.  A bit bitchier too.  What can I say - at least I am honest about it.

Life isn't perfect, hell, even when I am healthy it isn't, but it is my life.  To be honest, I was hoping never to have to go through chemo or surgery ever again.  But alas, that is not to be my fate.

One of the things that bother me is the fact this tumor is inoperable.  So chemo is my only choice.  It is on the heart and part of the left lung.  Well, I can't live without a heart or lung, so yeah, I'd say inoperable.

In the past I had chemo then surgery to get the tumors.  Or just surgery when the tumor was found soon enough.  No chemo when you have great margins.  Oh, and radiation in combo with the other two.  This time, there is only one.  Chemo.  What happens if the Navutro doesn't work?  There are other possible therapies.  But no guarantees on any of them.

One of the things I dislike is the, unknowing.  OK, is this making a difference?  Really, how do you tell except when the whole treatment is done and there are scans and xrays.   I had to have an echo cardiogram done Monday.  The chemo drug they are using with the Navutro causes damage to the heart, (remember in 2003 the Cleveland Clinic used another drug that damages the heart.  They used the maximum allowed for a life time) I was watching and you could see a difference in the texture on the bottom of the heart versus an area a the top.  They also used Doppler to show the blood going through the valves.  Color determined what was going in and what was going out.  I haven't heard anything, so I am going to assume no news is good news.

Admittedly, I do like the chemo schedule.  Once a week.  Two weeks treatment, one week off, two weeks treatment, one week off, you get the picture.  That one week no chemo gives your body a chance to try to recover.  Not long enough for mine.

I am tired.  So if I sound a bit negative, don't get in a panic.  If I get a bit over emotional, don't panic, I am tired.  Another 45 minutes and I am out of here.  I may stop for lunch somewhere.  I am craving sushi.

And before you all start, "You shouldn't eat sushi while going through chemo".  I know that.  So does every other patient that goes through this.  But you know what?  I'm eating it anyway.  I am past the point of giving a fuck about what I eat. 

In reality, I am going to die.  Maybe not this time, maybe not the next time but it will happen.  So, why should I not eat things I enjoy?  What is it going to do to me that cancer hasn't? 

If I were rich money wise, I'd be driving and flying all over the United States visiting friends, coming back for chemo, and setting off again.  I'd go to Tuscany and tour the vineyards, and eat lots of good food, go to Utah, New Mexico and where ever the winds blows.  But I'm not rich, so I can't.  but if they ever tell me I am terminal.  I am going to Tuscany, and a few other places.

I think I'll nap for the last bit of chemo.  I am tired.