I can't believe it is already Wednesday. The week has been flying by for me, probably because I am dreading/looking forward to Monday. Sunday probably will drag.
It is amazing over the last few days the emotional roller coaster ride I have been on, all a part of dealing with some of the possible out comes or collateral damage that may occur.
I am not happy about any of the possible collateral damage that may happen, but I think I have come to a point that as long as I can function normally (what passes for normal for me) I can handle it. To be honest I really wouldn't have a choice so may as well come to terms with it.
Yeah, I am still a bit frightened, but I am OK with it. I mean even though I went through so many surgeries back in 2003, they didn't open me up and mess with my internal organs, or break ribs or open the sternum. To me it is a little disconcerting to think that they are really going to be messing with an organ that is behind my rib cage, still gives me a bit of trepidation. Since I can't change that I have to accept it and have faith.
Not much of a post, but a note that the mental distress is dissipating. Let's hope I stay this calm as they wheel me into the operating room, and hope the rest of the week flies by so I can get this over and done with.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
To Lose a Lung or Not to Lose a Lung, There is NO Option
Seriously, there isn't. I got a surgery date yesterday from the Thoracic Surgeon. May 23. I have to be at the hospital at 9:30, surgery is at 11:30 AM. It is supposed to take about three hours.
First when my daughter Jasmine and I were sitting in his office he asks if they told me about the CAT scan results. My reply was not for the lung. He says, the tumor in the lung did not respond to the chemo. My reply, Huh, I guess they decided to let you deliver that bad news. His reply, it is a BIG tumor.
Yes, I am looking forward to it, and yet I'm not, at least for the moment.
Why am I not looking forward to it? Let's just say I wish the doctor would have gone over some of the potential downsides when I first talked to him back in February, I think it was February.
He told me how they would go in, starting the incision on my back, right side, under the arm and ending up on the side/front, under the breast tissue. Well now there is a possibility that if they start that approach it won't work and they will have to go in from the front of the chest. Either way a rib will be broken and ribs spread so they can get access to the lung.
They will start with the cut on the back approach first, but if that doesn't work, I'll end up with two lovely scars.
So what other things are there a potential of? Let's see. Damage to the voice. Great, I work at BaseTel, I talk on the phone, let's just fuck up my job.
Damage to the nerve that affects the diaphragm, which may make it more difficult to breath. Oh, if it is too difficult they can do another surgery! They go in and tighten up the diaphragm. In seventh grade I had a Home Economics (Cooking) teacher that had problems with talking and breathing, assuming she had problems with her lung, she'd say a few words then a deep breath, say a few more, again a deep breath. I like being able to talk the way I do. Let's hope it stays that way.
Possible damage to the Vena Cava (spelled wrong most likely) main artery from the heart. There is a possibility it may be damaged and have to be rebuilt. Rebuilt is not a good thing in my book. Opens a whole can of other worms.
More susceptible to pneumonia. Yeah great, I work where the guys HAVE to show up sick.
There are several more, but by the time he got to them all I was hearing was blah blah blah. All I could think was how could you not tell me this stuff way back when to give me time to digest it all. Ten days away from surgery and you tell me? WTF? Don't you think it takes time for a person to deal and digest all that?
Then I had to sign a paper that listed the procedure name, and the possible other damages and he said one of my options was to do nothing. Since when was doing nothing an option for me? I don't have that option. First off, um it is cancer, it WILL kill me, second they will not do the abdominal surgery until the lung surgery is done because of where in the lung the tumor is and it is leaning against the heart. So please tell me when was not doing a surgery that can really fuck me up not an option? Seriously when?
In 2003 when I went through cancer I had 12 or 13 surgeries, was resuscitated on the OR table, had the hamstring on the left leg removed, had the right latisimus muscle moved from my back to my leg to protect the bone and nerves, other than that it doesn't work as a muscle. Several skin grafts because they kept failing. None of that bothered me or even scared me.
Life finally has handed me something that frightened me. They are going to open up my body and mess with internal organs. They are literally going to have a machine breath for me while they dice my lung. I am going to be put further in debt because it too to add insult to injury. Yeah I am frightened and I think I have every right to be.
I just wish the dumb shit would have told me this stuff way back when; I'd be in a better space in my head if he did.
First when my daughter Jasmine and I were sitting in his office he asks if they told me about the CAT scan results. My reply was not for the lung. He says, the tumor in the lung did not respond to the chemo. My reply, Huh, I guess they decided to let you deliver that bad news. His reply, it is a BIG tumor.
Yes, I am looking forward to it, and yet I'm not, at least for the moment.
Why am I not looking forward to it? Let's just say I wish the doctor would have gone over some of the potential downsides when I first talked to him back in February, I think it was February.
He told me how they would go in, starting the incision on my back, right side, under the arm and ending up on the side/front, under the breast tissue. Well now there is a possibility that if they start that approach it won't work and they will have to go in from the front of the chest. Either way a rib will be broken and ribs spread so they can get access to the lung.
They will start with the cut on the back approach first, but if that doesn't work, I'll end up with two lovely scars.
So what other things are there a potential of? Let's see. Damage to the voice. Great, I work at BaseTel, I talk on the phone, let's just fuck up my job.
Damage to the nerve that affects the diaphragm, which may make it more difficult to breath. Oh, if it is too difficult they can do another surgery! They go in and tighten up the diaphragm. In seventh grade I had a Home Economics (Cooking) teacher that had problems with talking and breathing, assuming she had problems with her lung, she'd say a few words then a deep breath, say a few more, again a deep breath. I like being able to talk the way I do. Let's hope it stays that way.
Possible damage to the Vena Cava (spelled wrong most likely) main artery from the heart. There is a possibility it may be damaged and have to be rebuilt. Rebuilt is not a good thing in my book. Opens a whole can of other worms.
More susceptible to pneumonia. Yeah great, I work where the guys HAVE to show up sick.
There are several more, but by the time he got to them all I was hearing was blah blah blah. All I could think was how could you not tell me this stuff way back when to give me time to digest it all. Ten days away from surgery and you tell me? WTF? Don't you think it takes time for a person to deal and digest all that?
Then I had to sign a paper that listed the procedure name, and the possible other damages and he said one of my options was to do nothing. Since when was doing nothing an option for me? I don't have that option. First off, um it is cancer, it WILL kill me, second they will not do the abdominal surgery until the lung surgery is done because of where in the lung the tumor is and it is leaning against the heart. So please tell me when was not doing a surgery that can really fuck me up not an option? Seriously when?
In 2003 when I went through cancer I had 12 or 13 surgeries, was resuscitated on the OR table, had the hamstring on the left leg removed, had the right latisimus muscle moved from my back to my leg to protect the bone and nerves, other than that it doesn't work as a muscle. Several skin grafts because they kept failing. None of that bothered me or even scared me.
Life finally has handed me something that frightened me. They are going to open up my body and mess with internal organs. They are literally going to have a machine breath for me while they dice my lung. I am going to be put further in debt because it too to add insult to injury. Yeah I am frightened and I think I have every right to be.
I just wish the dumb shit would have told me this stuff way back when; I'd be in a better space in my head if he did.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Got Some Cheese to go with a Whine?
Nope, not in the hospital, quiet opposite, out and on short term disability, and losing my mind.
The last two days have been a bit rough, along with a day a couple weeks ago, not physically but emotionally.
To understand you have to back up to the last time I was in the hospital, I went in on April 7th, and got out on April 13th, one day short of a week. I was in bad shape when I went in, I mean bad shape.
My system basically crashed. I wasn’t producing white cells, platelets; I think there was a problem with the red ones too. Not to mention the potassium levels were really super low. (Potassium is needed to regulate the heart.) And they discovered an, crap what do they call it, it isn’t inception, something like interception I think, and it is spelled wrong, basically it is when the intestine decides to fold in on itself like a water balloon. Not a good thing, is painful and if it blocks can cause problems with the intestine, like if the blood flow is cut off from being blocked, it can kill the small intestine. The surgeon made sure he explained that to me, but they couldn’t do surgery because of my blood levels. (No they didn’t do surgery I still am walking around with it and feeling every bit of food pass through, not fun let me tell you.)
Well, while I was in the hospital I was scheduled for radiation, and normally they would have had a medical transport pick me up and take me to my radiation appointment, but since my blood levels were so bad, they couldn’t risk the radiation making it worse or me being out amongst the “normal” population.
I was in the “step down unit”, isolation room. Step down from ICU. When patients are released from ICU they go to the step down unit before they go to a regular room. (Nope never made it to a regular room.)
Fast forward to April 18th, still feel pretty rough, but I am out of the hospital and have an appointment with my oncologist to have blood work done and I get to ask about this intestine thing.
Blood levels are going up, not normal yet but getting there. I talk with my doctor and when I left I was under the impression that I wouldn’t have to finish radiation and since the intestine thing was present that put the abdominal surgery first, and soon.
Well I was wrong. I had to finish radiation, another six days of it. I know you are thinking that six days isn’t much. But you have to understand that radiation continues to work for 10 days after you are done, plus they allow time to let your body normalize so you heal better. Radiation interferes with healing. So rather than within two weeks getting surgery having the tumor taken out of my abdomen and having my intestine fixed so it doesn’t hurt when every little think passes through, I am looking at four minimum.
I was depressed the day they gave me that news.
Fast forward to yesterday. I had my appointment with the oncology surgeon. The doctor who is going to be taking the tumor out of my abdomen and fixing the intestine. I was really hoping to hear that they were going to do surgery within a week because of the intestine thing. But no. He isn’t worried about it as long as things are passing through, painful as it may be. He is more worried about if he goes in before they address the tumor in my lung which is pressing against the heart, and is wrapped around the main artery that comes from the heart into the lung.
If they go after the abdomen first and something happens, the tumor in the lung pressing against the heart can interfere with my life being saved. Ok I can understand that, but I am still disappointed.
Now I have to wait till next week and talk to the Thoracic Surgeon who hopefully will give me a date for surgery that isn’t two or three weeks out.
It boils down to this, I am tired of not being normal for me, tell me I’ll go through pain but when it is over my life will be my life again, and I’ll do it. I am tired.
I am tired of feeling run down, not wanting to eat because it will ultimately cause pain and interrupt my sleep, I am tired of not getting a full night sleep, and I am tired of food tasting like yuck. I can’t taste salty and I can barely taste sweet.
Fritos are really salty, so are Doritos, and Cheetos. I don’t taste a bit of salt when I eat them. I barely got a grape sweet taste from grape jelly. I just want to be able to taste food and have it be normal.
From my point of view things are going nowhere fast; I don’t see the end of the journey. All I know is I am tired and I want to see things progress.
Yes I know they are, but at times it seems that all I do is wait for something. Wait for the chemo to take effect or put me in the hospital. Wait for the radiation. Get put into the hospital, get out of the hospital. With all of that going on, I feel like I am stuck in neutral. Still got those tumors. The one in the abdomen shrunk, but I still have it. I feel like if things were going somewhere I’d be at least recovering from a surgery by now. Frustrating is what it is.
Frustrated is what I am. Mainly because I feel like I am standing still while everything passes me by.
I’m done whining. It doesn’t do any good. Hopefully soon I'll be posting some nasty pics of the tumors.
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