Speeding Thoughts & Emotions

Wow two in one day.  Amazing isn't it?

I have had an issue with attention deficit for a long time.  I have always dealt with it with lots of caffeine.

It was easy to do as a kid.  My parents made coffee in a coffee urn.  Like a twenty cup one.  They would drink the coffee all day.  Yes, cold.  And guess who was the one that got to go get Mom or Dad's cup of coffee? That lead to me just drinking coffee whenever.

Still love coffee, and have developed a taste for fresh roasted beans, Guatemalan, Peruvian, and Columbian.

Always have had several different thoughts going through my mind at one time, always the one with several projects that seemed like chaos that magically came together in the end.

Yes, there is a point to this.  I have a hypothesis about the new chemo.

Now you are sitting there thinking ok, get on with it what are your thoughts.

My hypothesis is that the Yolandis exacerbates the attention issue, the thought process, and the emotions.  Along with insomnia.

I base it on my morning.  I went to meet a Lawn Contractor to get a quote for Raines Court (no I do not own it, I am trying to help by getting quotes and over seeing work.  I am too old to do this stuff, and physically, not capable to do some of it.)

The Southern Wind Landscaping owner actually called asking if it was ok to be 10 minutes late.  Wow, that is amazing for a contractor.  Apologized when he got there.  In the mean time I was talking to the General Contractor working on the interior.  He speaks English fairly well, but since my mind started racing, and the emotions running like nuts it was not the easiest.

Oh I wasn't nasty or rude.  I knew that the body chemicals are havoc.  But when that happens even the simplest thing turns into a HUGE mountain.

The lawn issues are addressed, and the removal of the wild bushes addressed.  Made me feel better. But then I started making my list for the trip to Lowe's and knowing I need to address items that weren't delivered back on the 18th of September, and I have been going back and forth with them started up the emotional roller coaster again, along with speeding up the thoughts.

Armed with my list, the light that was too big I needed to return and get the smaller version, and information on the order with item numbers of the missing (for the record two toilets and a florescent fixture).

I got to Lowe's at 12:30 left there at 1:30 give or take.  I swear I felt like I was there for three hours, going back and forth from feeling ok to wanting to burst into tears because the toilets weren't delivered.  Never mind trying to keep one thought.

While customer service dealt with their two different systems, once which was down, I rushed here and there grabbing what was needed.  Replacement light, board, outlet covers, floor vents.  Literally I was feeing so stretched out and frazzled, and again wanting to burst into tears.

I kept thinking I cannot wait to get home make ice coffee, sit on the deck and put the gimp leg up.  I grabbed a Gatorade (I crave orange Gatorade when I go through chemo, no idea why.  Never craved anything during my two pregnancies, but I do remember feeling so starved I ate something like 10 hot dogs, give or take).

Got all the stuff to the contractor, he is there working his butt off, amazed that I got two toilets in my car.  He unloaded the car, and I came home.  While I was taking a bag out of the car, I started to calm down.  Which made me start thinking of how this has happened a few time since chemo.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.

All the while I wanted to stop and do a post about the way I was feeling. How things flew through my mind.  The bursting into tears I think was from the frustration of the thoughts flying.  If I could work as fast as they were going, I'd have a spotless  house in an hour and a half.  The one thought I did hold on to was I do not want to just burst into tears.  Not for no reason.  I can't remember the last time I did cry, a real sobbing cry and that is what they would have been.

I can be very grateful, I haven't felt the sadness that comes with those heart racking sobs.

At the moment things are normal in my head.  I am having coffee, and I am going to sit on the deck, listen to a book and look through pictures.  The house still needs cleaned, and my car needs a bath, oil change and the such, but I think the emotional roller coaster I put myself through earns me the afternoon off.

And yes, I am going to talk to Dr. Vaughn when I see  him on Oct. 11th.  Hell, I didn't get mood swings when I went through menopause.

I feel like me.  And that is what counts.

Time Awareness

Since 2003 I have been more aware of time.  I mean when you read in your medical records that they had to resuscitate you during an emergency surgery, it makes it more time aware.

But like most people, during the years the of time's passing, faded into the background.  I was still more aware of it, but over the eight years in between bouts of cancer, it didn't stand as far in the foreground.

immediacy

Even with the recurrences in 2011, 2013, shit to be honest, I don't remember the years at the moment.  Only that there have been a total of six bouts (counting this one).  Time kept marching on ticking, and I kept the awareness in the back of my mind like a whisper of a distant memory.

Yes, I took on things I wouldn't have normally, well, I would have but not put them off.  Jumping from a perfectly good plane for example.  Realizing I really do like to camp.  Taking more joy and peace from the simple act of having coffee on the deck, to the smells of fall.  I was more aware, but not time aware.

Even when they discovered the cancer spread to the colon back in May, and I first heard the word terminal, my time awareness wasn't in the foreground.  It crept closer to the front, but stayed in the hub bub of my mess of a thousand browser tabs opened mind.

When I talked to Doctor Vaughn and asked about approximate time frame.  He got this look on his face (he really didn't want to label it) he said 12 to 18 months.  He encouraged me to start racking up the credit cards and living.  Same thing that Doctor King did in May.  I really don't think that is a good sign. (And I don't think they realize that being unemployed with  no income, makes making minimum payments a bit difficult, borrow from Peter to pay Paul.)

Time Awareness came to the forefront, saying I have always been here, you have listened, but not as you should have.

So a "Fuck it" trip was planned.  Roma, Napoli, and Paris with my son Jim, my daughter Jasmine, and Jim's girl Liz.  I really wish Liz could have been with us the entire trip.  It was amazing.

My younger sister Addie, came to Virginia to give me a hand.  Right after getting back from Europe, literally the next day, I started a new chemo treatment.  Wasn't my brightest idea.  And I started having problems with my left leg, the one with no hamstring.  She left on Friday, and Saturday Jasmine came down.

What adventures did my sister and I go on?  Running to Home Depot, Lowe's (I am not doing any home remodeling - that is a story in itself) , eat, and watch the Twilight movies.  Not that I ever wanted to see all of them, I mean, whiny girl, meets whiny guy, who is a vampire and you know the rest.  But the point is I enjoyed it because of the company of my sister.  Watching movies is something we never did when we were younger, and that simple thing made a great memory.

Yesterday while Jasmine was here a friend of hers called, she was telling Rachel about the trip.  The dancing joy in her eyes, and in her voice, the laughter when she told her about the "work of art donation" made me smile.  I loved hearing her point of view of it.  It made me happy to hear her joy and the memories.

Time Awareness, my new best friend kicked in; big time.

Insomnia last.  Really bad.  Everything I want to do ran through my head, things I need to get done, things I need to organize.

You are thinking, what new adventure is she trying to put together on a budget of air, smiles, wishes and dreams.

No, I am thinking of calls I need to make, appointments I need to make, what house work needs done.  How am I going to get the weeds in the back pulled, blowing the leaves off the patio.  Power washing the patio.  Cleaning the house.  Cleaning and detailing my car.  Taking my car for an oil change, tire rotation, inspection. What little projects in this house that need completed. Pictures I need to go through, what ones I want to get on glass, what ones go in a book. Posts I want to do.  Not one thought was for what is my next adventure.  Just everyday things.

Unloading the dishwasher, thinking I need to be doing this, then that.  Being so aware that time is marching on, and things that need done aren't done.

Ok, now you are saying don't worry about everyday things, but here is the thing, a very clean house is important to me.  Making sure a project gets done right is important to me.  Paying bills (although it is borrow from Peter to pay Paul thing) is important to me.  Shit, I'd like to have a job, but so far that isn't working out.  So for me it is what income?  Oh, and start an art project and maybe even find a gallery to have a show.  Art by the terminal or some shit like that.

They aren't huge things, but they mean something to me.

I feel time slipping away.

Everyday things in life have taken on a new meaning to me, and time is marching on.  Time is marching on and I can't stop it.  Cancer is going to kill me, and every day I am becoming more Time Aware.

Tick tock, tick tock, life is slipping away.

Are you Time Aware?

Please feel free to share your thoughts.