Reflections on 2011

Well, it is 6 PM on New Year’s Eve, the dogs just finished their dinner, the house is very quiet, Jasmine is at work at the Log Cabin, Jim left to go out with some of his friends, Michelle and Evelyn went to church in their PJs.  OMG PJs!!

Here I sit, and have the urge to write.  But what to write about? I look back over the past year and I do not wish any of it changed.  Yes, it was a challenge; I think more of a challenge to those around me than to myself.

I have to admit, last New Year’s Eve I wasn’t even thinking that I’d be spending 2011 dealing with cancer and surgeries, hell, I was just hoping to get through the year with positive balance in my savings account.  (And yes I did that!  I have thirty-five cents in my savings account, isn’t much, but it is a positive!)

Last year I may have even thought I might have a date on New Year’s Eve, but life had something different in mind for me. 

Life doesn’t give you what you want, but it gives you what you need.  Sometimes I have to disagree with that statement. 

The reason being, a dear friend of mine lost her son in Afghanistan.  What mother needs that grief?  My heart breaks for her; she has faced the loss of her son with honor and dignity.  She has brought honor to his memory.  She is an incredibly awesome woman.

But when it comes to me, it seems that saying works.  The lessons it brings me aren’t always the easiest to take, and sometimes I wish that it would just bring me what I want (think winning lottery ticket and being a philanthropist).  But it is what it is.

In 2003 life brought me cancer, a time in my life when I really thought that the human race was comprised of two kinds of people, those who loved their pets and those who thought they were disposable, and those who would say what they thought you’d like to hear but not mean a word of it.  To be honest my heart was in a very dark place.

Back then it taught me that not everyone was like that, that there were people to genuinely care and wanted to help, and it taught me I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.

2011 I needed lessons again; at least life saw it that way.  But I don’t think I learned anything new, it just reaffirmed things I already knew.

I already knew I worked with the best bunch of people you could wish for, I mean how many people that YOU work with would shave their heads to show support and that they care?  Seriously.  You have no idea how that touched my heart.

My daughter chose to leave her life in California to be here with me, no one will know what that means to me, and I watched her grow as a woman.  She has been blossoming and becoming the woman and artist I always knew she was.

My son is working on his PHD.  And I am so proud of him, but nothing in the world can describe how I felt when he told me he was proud of me.  I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much that meant to me.

All of my friends with their cards and notes of support, letting me know that they were thinking of me, and my sister Carol with her bracelet campaign, and the notes and packages from Addie.

Yeah some of it was a bit rough, even gave the doctors a scare, but I survived it.  Got the scars to prove it.  Five surgeries this year.  Lost 2/3 of my right lung, two feet of intestine with two tumors, part of the right pectoral muscle and main nerve to the arm, but it was all worth it.  I am alive and I have a wonderful family and a great bunch of friends.

So, I may not be out to a fancy party with a date to ring in the New Year, but I am content in knowing that I have family and friends who love and are there for me.

Happy New Year everyone, May the New Year bring you health, happiness, prosperity and all that your heart desires.

Huh, maybe next year I'll have a date. ROTFLMAO!!

Cycle FIve, Day Three

Cancer is such an insidious disease.  Is that even a word?  I mean I look around me everyday I am here and see young people, young parents, middle aged parents, grand parents, even teens.

It doesn't  know any boundaries, it doesn't know race, or creed.  It doesn't care if you are Buddhist, Christian, or Muslim.  Whether you are rich or poor.  It just doesn't care.

I wish there was a way to have it leave the  young alone.  The children, the teens, the parents with young children.

I look at it this way, it is a hard enough thing for the family and friends to deal with but it is even harder if it is a child, young person or parent with young children.

It is hard on the older children, like the ages mine are, but mentally they are better equipped to deal with the mortality of human life.

Not sure exactly where I am going with this.  I am OK with the fact I have/had it, and need to deal with the chemo, but I wish there was some way to make it easier for others to deal with, not just my own family and friends, but people who feel lost.

Been feeling rather good this round of chemo, which I am very grateful for, but not in the "Holiday Spirit".  Maybe because the extra cash I would have had for shopping has been paid out for medical bills.  Who knows.  I do love shopping during the Christmas Season for others, I love seeing things I know they'd like and getting them, but I think most people do.  Just gotta watch the budget a bit closer this year.  No biggie.

Got to get a tree this weekend, and hopefully get some baking done, but it depend on how I feel.  If I feel like I do now, shouldn't be a problem, but come about noon time it will be nap time, chemo kinda tires you out the day you get it for a few hours.

At least it is the way it is with me.

Enough rambling and going on, so we'll see you next time.

An Interesting little artcle by David Haas regarding Caner and Recovery

David is an advocate for Cancer Patients.

If you'd like more info let me know and I'll pass on your email addy!

Day One, Cycle Five

Actually if my white count was better last Monday I would have been doing this post then, but since my white count wasn't where the doc felt comfortable giving me the chemo it got put off for a week.

On my "10" day appointment, (you go in the office for a visit with the Nurse Practitioner and blood count) my immune system was in the tank.  That surprised the Nurse Practitioner, since I felt great, had good color.  I was put on this antibiotic for ten days to give my system a bit of support.

Come to think of it, I am surprised a bit myself since a couple of the guys weren't feeling good at work.  But what ever, I still felt great and made it through the cycle without going to the hospital.

Oh yeah, one thing I did was make a batch of orange vanilla cupcakes with pale pink and blue butter cream and heart cut outs of white fondant for Debbie (she is a friend and FANTASTIC nurse at Mary Washington, 4th floor)  Yes, she is PREGGERS!!!  I hope it is a girl.  She'll have two wonderful big brothers, and a Daddy every boy fear.  :D

Anyway back to this mess.  So my original schedule would put my third and final cycle the week of December 26, but the office is closed on the 26th for the holiday.  Which means this may drag into 2012, which doesn't thrill me a whole lot, but it is a quick way to meet my out of pocket expenses and deductibles (still have the $40 an office visit copay). 

I don't know, I guess I was hoping to start the new year off without chemo, but it is what it is, and I may end up doing chemo the first week of the new year.  Hell of a way to start the New Year, but oh well.  Just remember Valentine's Day 2011 I was starting chemo, so it really isn't a big deal.

Oh, I just thought of something.  It would be a hoot to go to a New Year's Eve party bald.   You know, get all dressed up and put a polish on the chrome dome. 

Yes, no hair again, hell last Monday I was at work, bored and I ran my hand through my hair and came out with a bit of hair, then I started plucking my hair, got a little pile on my desk, looked at it and said "Ew, that is such a gross thing to do!"  Swept the pile of hair into the trash can, and a few minutes later started it all over again. 

It was like when you have a spot that is a bit tender when you touch it, but you can't help touching it.  You know you should just leave it alone, but you just can't stop yourself.  An OCD thing maybe.  Like when you have a scab and one day start to pick at it, you can't help yourself once you start and it is super hard to stop yourself.  Yes, I am off my rocker a bit.

I am stuck here at the ski lodge (Hematology Oncology and Associates where I go for chemo looks like a ski lodge)

This is what I get to sit next to in the lobby.  When you walk in it feels like you are going to register for your room at the ski lodge.

In the back where you get your chemo, there are huge windows over looking a wooded area, you expect to see a lift.

Beautiful place, if  you have to get chemo may as well be somewhere that is pleasant.

Speaking of, Doc couldn't make up his mind whether he was going to hospitalize me for my chemo or keep doing it as an out patient.  Since I did so well during Cycle One, I am staying as an outpatient.

Today is my longest day of the cycle.  I won't get out of here till about 3.  Day one of the cycle is the longest.  Tomorrow it will be shorter by 1/2 hour, and the same for Wednesday.

Have to decide when and where to get the Christmas Tree, and what weekend I'll do the power baking.  Not the weekend of the 17th/18th. 

Oh well, feels like nap time so I am going to take a nap. 

Ciao for now!

Day 2, Cycle 4. Chemo Drugs 101

Well, the Aloxi/Decadron, anti nauesa drugs went in, now the Mesna, helps prevent damage to the bladder is going in, then the Methylene Blue, suppose to help the side effects of the Ifosfamide.

When I first went through Chemo in 2003 I had an interesting chat with my Doctor.  Both he and I agree on this over simplified version of an explaination:  Chemo therapy is feeding the body poisons while trying to protect some other organs, killing the body's cells off slowly, basically killing you slowly to kill the cancer, to bring you back from the low depths the chemo brings you too.

Basically it is true, you slowly begin to feel like crap, your hair falls out, your immunial system is compromised at times,  your blood production is slowed.  By the time chemo ends, at least it is for me, I feel like crap, look like crap and don't want to eat.

I figured that it my help if I list my drugs, and what they treat, with some of the side effects.  What may it help?  It may help those who know someone going the chemo, watching the effects wondering why it is happening.

So here is my list with what they do and side effects.  There are many more drugs and side effects.  These are just what I get.  Need more information?  www.chemocare.com

• Aloxi - anti nausea medication.  Helps prevent the nausea the day of, up to 24 hours after the chemo treatment.  Side efftects:  Allergic reaction.  Headache, constipation, tiredness. 
• Decadron - anti-inflammatory medication, anit nauea.  Relieves inflammation in various parts of the body. It is used specifically to decrease swelling  associated with tumors of the spine and brain, and to treat eye inflammation. Treat or prevent allergic reactions. As treatment of certain kinds of autoimmune diseases, skin conditions, asthma and other lung conditions.  As treatment for a variety of cancers, such as leukemia, lymphoma, and multiple myeloma.  Used to stimulate appetite in cancer patients with severe appetite problems.  Also used to replace steroids in conditions of adrenal insufficiency (low production of needed steroids produced by the adrenal glands). (OK so this wasn't super simple explanation)
• Emend - Anti nausea med, blocks chemicals that cause nausea.  If you already are nauseated, it doesn't work.  Side effects: headache, flushing, allergic reactions, shortness of breath.
• Mesna - Protects the bladder from damages from the effects of chemo therapy drugs.  Side effects:   bad taste in the mouth, diarrhea or soft stools, headache, nausea, vomiting, fatigue.
• Methylene Blue - Treats methemoglobinemia, vasoplegic syndrome, ifosfamide-induced encephalopathy, cyanide poisoning. 
• Ifosfamide - Used to treat:  Recurrent testicular cancer and germ cell tumors, Sarcomas (soft-tissue, osteogenic sarcoma, Ewing's sarcoma), Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease, Non-small cell and small cell lung cancer, Bladder cancer, Head and neck cancer, Cervix cancer.  Side effects:   Low white blood cell count. (This can put you at increased risk for infection.)  Low Platelet count. (This can put you at increased risk for bleeding.).  Hair loss, Nausea and vomiting, Poor appetite.   These side effects are less common side effects (occurring in about 10-29%) of patients receiving ifosfamide:  Central neurotoxicity (including sleepiness, confusion and occasionally hallucinations).  Yes I fall into the 10-29% category.  Delayed effects:  There is a slight risk of developing a blood cancer such as leukemia.  Yes even chemo therapy drugs can cause cancer down the road.  Ironic isn't it?
• Epirubicin - Breast cancer.  No I do not have breast cancer, or any symptoms of it.  Side effects:  Pain along the site where the medication was given   Nausea or vomiting.  Urine will appear red for 1-2 days (the Methylene Blue does the same thing only blue, and it over powers the pink or red) Low blood counts, both red and white.  Mouth sores.  Hair loss on the scalp or elsewhere on the body (the hair doesn't have a chance with these drugs I am taking),  Nausea and vomiting (see a trend here?).  Fatigue.  Amenorrhea (loss of menstrual cycle).  Darkening of the skin where previous radiation treatment has been given. (radiation recall).  Diarrhea, Infection,  Darkening of the nail beds, Conjunctivitis.  Problems with fertility. A serious but uncommon side effect of epirubicin can be interference with the pumping action of the heart. You can receive only up to a certain amount of epirubicin during your lifetime.

That is the complete list, well not counting the pills, compozene, and Zofran.  Anti nausea, it is really interesting all the anti nausea drugs they use now, and it does help.  As long as you take them at the first sign of queasiness, cause once it gets going, just get out the puke bucket.

A good place to go for drug information is www.chemocare.com .  Where I got most of my information.

The Ifosfamide is next, where troubles begin if there are any.  Last time on day 2 I got a ride to the hospital in an ambulance.

Hope this is better this time.

Day 1, Cycle 4

Well so far so good, I am bored to tears, it is 12:53 and the ifosfomaid isn't done yet.  Been here for 3.5 hours already.

Well, one of the good things is that the Emend that I used to have to get a prescription filled for is now available as an IV liquid.  That is a good thing, because my deductible on it was $25 for THREE pills.  Thank God for insurance!!  If I didn't have it the cost would have been $375 for three pills.  And yes they are worth every penny.  It helps stop the nausea and vomiting.  Trust me, if you every went through chemo and experienced it, you'd pay just about anything to make it stop.  Better to prevent it.

My chemo schedule is 5 days on (not counting weekends) and two weeks off (again not counting weekends).  So Nov. 28th I'll be here, and Dec. 19th.  Yeah me.  My Christmas gift this year is my chemo ending on Dec. 23. 

I am afraid that my Christmas baking is going to suffer, but maybe not.  We will see.  You never know.

My white count was down today, 3.2.  Not enough for them not to go on with the chemo, but a full point lower than the last time.  The nurse questioned it, and I told her that I had just finished up radiation on the first, which explains the drop.

The very first treatment on Feb. 14 (didn't I get the best Valentine's Day gift?) I felt fine.  Right now I feel a little fuzzy around the edges.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing. The dosage is suppose to be reduced.  Didn't react all that well to them the first go round.  Hell, the second day I am taking an ambulance ride to the hospital.  Shit, I rode in an ambulance several times between February and May.  Let's hope that doesn't happen again.

One of the patients had a reaction to a drug, difficulty breathing.  The staff here at Hematology Oncology Associates of Fredricksburg took it in stride, reacting with calm, and getting the patient comfortable and able to breath normally.  Now I know how the other patients felt when I crashed and was hauled out on my second day.  But it is nice to know that the staff here know their job, and emergencies are dealt with swiftly and calmly.  Their calm flows over to the other patients.

I wanted to go to Costco to pick something up after this but I think I'll just go home and sleep off the fuzzy headed feeling.  Maybe I can con someone into going and picking it up for me.

What sucks is I have no vacation time left, and if I miss a day of work, I don't get paid.  Sucks eggs in a closet.  If I miss 8 days in a row I qualify for short term disability, but that is 8 days no pay.  Don't know about you, but my paycheck is my life line.

That is one thing Cancer patients all share, cost.  Even with insurance, and THANK GOD I have some the costs can get out there.  Just to give you an idea, every week I do chemo it is $200,  Every walk into the doctor's office is $40.  Which isn't much unless you keep repeating the visits,  Not to mention the prescriptions. 

So why did I say something about the cost?  Just to give you an idea, so if you know someone who is going through medical treatment and venting.  Let them vent please.  It can be very depressing to some.

In 2003 my insurance ran out and I had to make choices, like do I visit the doctor and get the CT scan or do I save the money and pay the mortgage.  Yes it gets to that point for some people, and no I am not at that point.  I just want people to be a bit more understanding for people with major medical issues when it comes to funds.

Yes, there are grants and help available but you have to search and find it, so for some people if you spend a bit of time searching, it could be a great help to them.

Unfortunately, some of the cancer stuff is very specific as to the type of cancer, mine is rare so there isn't anything out there.  But like I said, right now I am OK, and I think things will be alright. 

But there are other people out there people with cancer, heart problems, lung, major medical issues that are choosing do I pay the rent or get treatment?  Do I buy food or medicine? 

HELL, many senior citizens are faced with that type of choice, many veterans, and that my friends is a fucking shame.

So here is my holiday season challenge for you.  All the grocery stores seem to be doing the buy a bag thing and donating it to food banks, so buy a bag.  If all you do is donate $5 every shopping trip you will make a huge difference.

You can do the same for  homeless shelters, animal shelters, you name it.  Pick four charities that speak to you, one for each week of the month and donate $5.00, hell donate only one dollar, it is all the little donations that add up to BIG miracles!!!  Be a part of a big miracle!

Just remember the little pennies add up to dollars, and the dollars add up to thousands and the thousands add up to millions, but that doesn't happen without your help to start it.

Please help others this season.  Even if it is only a dollar at a time.

And Here We Go Again!

Well, radiation is over and done with.  Last day was November 1st.  YEAH!!  Even got my certificate of completion.  Hugs from all the technicians.  Got told they love me, but please don't ever need their services again.  Sorry guys can't guarantee that.

Actually I am happy because the last time I talked to Dr. Chinault I miss heard him.  They increased the radiation for me the last five treatments.  Not as high as he wanted because he didn't want to damage the biracial (I do believe that is the name, and it is spelled wrong) nerve.  The nerve that controls the right arm.  If it were damaged I would end up with constant pain in the arm for the rest of my life.  Not a good thing if you are right handed and like to decorate cakes.

The misunderstanding, he said that I was going to get 5 less treatments.  I'd get thirty instead of thirty five.  Some how I heard I was going to get sixty instead of sixty five.  Made me go huh??  But it all got worked out.

So now the area that got radiated is tanner than the rest of me, and dry.  I mean leather feeling dry.  Reminds me of how a young girl I worked with looked.  She was only twenty and loved being tan tan tan.  She spent every other day in a tanning bed.  The skin under her eyes was so dry, and it made her look older.  Sad she didn't see it. 

Hey, I know a tan can make you look better, but you have to be sensible about exposure.  Too much of a good thing damages you.  Me personally, I'll stay kind of pasty white.  Keep my "youthful" appearance, ROTFLMAO! 

They put the second port in Friday.  Had to be at the hospital at 10:45 and the "surgery" was at 12:45, except my doctor had a case before me and it ended up going on longer.  The nurse told me that the person he was operating on was initially suppose to have a tumor removed with laparoscopic surgery (is that even spelled right?) and ended up needing to be opened up. 

Knowing Dr. Flynn, he had already warned the patient that it may happen, and hopefully they went under expecting it.  All I know is I hope they are OK and they couldn't have had a better surgeon.

Oh yeah, Dr. Flynn is the only one (other than Jasmine and Michelle) who noticed my hair was a different color. (Well Jasmine and Michell saw all the color changes last weekend)

Yes, changes as in plural.  Hey, my hair is going to fall out anyway, so I figured I'd try bleaching it to a platinum blond.  You know that white color, my hair is coming in white not grey (yes I am old enough to have grey/white hair.)

Put the bleach on the hair, tips first then ends, applied heat, did a second process, and even a third.  My hair ended up being a very light coppery red.  Not a good color for me, so I picked a reddish brown, that turned copper orange. um yeah, that color ain't happening either.  So Jasmine went with me and I picked out a medium brown that had cooler tones in it.  My hair is very close to original with reddish highlights.  All that to end up where I started.  Just the white hair is all gone.  And no it isn't fried either.  I was blessed with some thick ass, super healthy, put up with anything hair.  Have had it all my life.

I am already wishing it were the end of chemo, but I think that should be expected, my last three rounds of chemo landed me in the hospital on a regular basis, and the one time I was in bad shape.  Took three blood transfusions plus three plasma transfusions to get back to almost normal.

But to me going through chemo is better than saying I give up.  I'll never do that.  I am a realist when it comes to cancer, it is a lifetime battle for me.  The kind I have comes back, it did, and this time it was in several places in my body, each one popping up at different times.  Several types of cancer do that.  Just because it does that doesn't mean it will always keep coming back, but it means there is a chance.  Just because they didn't get good margins doesn't mean it is still there, but there is a chance. 

I really haven't set down with Doc and asked about odds or anything like that.  The last tumor was attached to the main nerve that controls the right arm, and even in taking a couple branches of it (yes I can tell a difference, but the human body is amazing and other muscles are compensating for the lack of control of the ones that have no "nerve connection").  He didn't get good margins at the point where the tumor was attached to the nerve.  He thought he did, but the pathology lab said otherwise.

So chemo is a required preventive in my opinion, so was the radiation.   Hey nerves are connected through out the entire body, and the two ways to travel in the body at top speed are the nervous system and the circulatory system.

I will admit I am a bit concerned about the port.  It is red  and tender, but that may be because it was only yesterday that they put it in.  Oh yeah it is on the left side this time. and I have to keep it in for a year. 

If the redness and tenderness gets worse I'll be on the phone with Doc.  But for now I'll just keep an eye on it. 

I have a couple of birthday cakes to do so I really can't let it get in my way, at least at this point.

Oh well, off to the store, I need raspberries to make raspberry sauce.  One cake is going to be chocolate with raspberry filling, butter cream frosting.

Have a great weekend folks!  

Two more weeks of Radiation, Port goes back in then Chemo

Yeah I know, been awhile.

Well, I have two, well, actually two and a half weeks of radiation left.  At a higher dose of radiation too. 

The skin in the area of radiation is a bit tender, feels drier, and looks redder and scratchy/dry.  What is the real pain in the butt is the fact that not only do I have the little "tattoo" dots, but they also mark around the  dots with Sharpie, black sharpie, and make an "x" on the center of the spot of radiation as well as draw a circle around it. 

Sounds funny doesn't it?  This wonderful technological treatment, has use of a black Sharpie marker to line up the area for treatment.  That really isn't so bad, but the fact that the damn marker rubs off on your clothes is a pain in the ass.

That stuff doesn't wash out, and I really don't have that many clothes that fit right now!  Beige, white bra's, the strap is turning black.  (Remember the area being radiated is under the right clavicle bone - collar bone).

Oh yeah, and the black circle they draw shows unless I am wearing a high neck shirt, even a modest scope neck makes it look like I drew lines on myself in Sharpie.  Seriously.  And yes, I catch people looking at the black lines.   They get all embarrassed when I say, yes, that is a black marker line.  My technicians like to draw circles and x's.  Of course they don't know I mean the radiation techs. Not the phone techs.

Get to see Doctor Flynn the 27th.  I can tell you already about the whole appointment, we'll discuss the up coming "procedure" - getting a new port put back in on the 4th of November.  How I am doing, which really is fine other than a bit of tenderness.  My ability to find great bargains.  (Found a Ralph Lauren purse at the Good Will for $0.83, yes eighty three cents, and a Prada - for real one - for $3.99).  He'll also tell me I will need to go for a CT scan of the main portion of my body to make sure the cancer is all at bay, and he will be a bit concerned about the tenderness in the abdominal area.  Then I'll go for blood tests, and what ever pre surgery thing I need to.  Get my port on the fourth and start chemo on the 7th.

Doctor Vaughn, oncologist, is going to try to give me less of a dose of the chemo meds this time around considering how I reacted last time.  He'd like to keep me out of the hospital.  If I don't react well, I'll end up having to be hospitalized for chemo treatments.  Four days in and a week out.  Not something I would look forward too, but I did that routine in 2003 and survived, so I can do it again if I have to.

The biggest thing I was worried about was a wedding cake I wanted to do for a gift for Kristen and John Q.  And it got done,  and they liked both the Bridal and Groom's cake.  I was worried about it when they said I had to do chemo again.  If they had started chemo first I wouldn't have been able to do it, but the doctors listened to me and my bitching about I really needed to do this and it meant a lot to me.  So I won.  :D

Any who, here are some pictures of my hobby.

Wedding Cake

Groom's Cake

Cupcakes for the Bride's Sister

Going Away Cake for Sgt. Dean

Baby Shower Cake for Debbie

August 23rd, has come and gone. Chemo and Radiation ahead

Been meaning to getting around to doing this for awhile.  Trouble is, when I felt like expressing my thoughts (yes I have them on occasion) I wasn't near my laptop, and when I could have done it, I really didn't feel like sitting down and making my brain work.  (Yes I have a brain, they did a couple of CT scans to prove it!)  I so wish I could be one of those witty, inspired, dedicated to weekly posts, but I am not.  I suffer from "Shiny Metal Object Syndrome", other wise known as ADHD, oh sorry, got side tracked again.  :D

This surgery was the easiest of all of them.  Tuesday I went in to have the mass removed from under the right clavicle, in between the pectoral muscle, and the port I had for chemo was removed, it wasn't working anyway and they wouldn't be able to use it.  Wednesday my doctor let me go home.  I even asked him if I could go back to work part time on Thursday, but he said no I had to wait till after my follow up appointment, which was the following Monday, so I was back to work on Tuesday.  A bit achy, but otherwise functioning fairly well.

When I went in for my follow up, I got my hug from Dr. Flynn, love him and his staff.  Such wonderful, personable people.

Any way, first thing I asked was, did you get good margins?  Let me explain.  Most tumors are in cased in a very thin membrane, and the surgeon tries to remove a margin of healthy tissue around the tumor to make sure the membrane isn't damaged.  If it is damaged there is a possibility of microscopic cancer cells that are still there and the cancer will come back.  (No that isn't what happened in my case, in 2003 they got good margins by removing my left hamstring, hell the damn tumor was attached to it!)  I just happen to be one of those lucky folks that have it reoccur, and this year I was even luckier to have it decide to pop up in four different spots in my body, which does happen.

He did get good  margins.  BUT and here is the but, the pathology report says that in the 12:00 position of the mass the membrane was damaged.  Now remember we are talking about something that is extremely thin, and for the human eye to see it near impossible I would think.

Dr. Flynn explained to me that when he took out the mass, he removed a small portion of the pectoral muscle, along with a few branches of the nerve that it was attached to.  The nerve just so happens to be the nerve that controls my right arm.  He felt certain he got good margins, he even took a few branches of the nerve to be sure, and yes I can tell they are gone, luckily the motor skill they control does not bother me, and the other muscles are learning to help compensate.

The membrane could have been damaged at the lab, or the margin was there in the first place.  It isn't Dr. Flynn's fault, come on, this man is an amazing surgeon!  He removed part of my intestine and I don't use a bag to crap in!

So to err on the side of caution, I need to under go intensive radiation on the area the mass was in as well as more chemo therapy, which means I will have another port put in.  (When they take it out it will be the third port in my collection!)

The eighth I see the Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Chinalt, and on the 13th I see my Chemo Therapy Oncologist Dr. Vaughn, they'll give me my schedule, and what drugs will be used.  Dr. Flynn will put in another port and I'll start.

That in a nut shell is what is going on.   Think I'll go read a book, hmm, maybe go to Starbucks and sit around.  It is really going to suck having the colder weather here, I've come to enjoy sitting out on the deck or at Starbucks to relax and read.  Oh well, that is a topic for another time. Talk to you all later!!

Still No Firm Date on the Last Surgery - Meet the "Dream" Teams

Yes, I know it gets old waiting.  But this last surgery will have two surgeons present.  Dr. Rod Flynn, and Dr. Timothy Sherwood.  Now, how easy do you think it is to get two specialist in the same OR at the same time?  Yeah, I thought so.  But they better hurry up, I have a wedding cake and grooms cake to do and I need to be healed up to do them.  May have to get Gweedo after them. LOL!  Just kidding folks.

I got to thinking it may be nice to "introduce" my Virginia Dream Team.  A great group of doctors who planned and executed my treatment.  Their individual support staffs are just as talented as they are, from the receptionists to the nurses.  Top notch treatment.  (I'll introduce you to the Cleveland Clinic Team in another post, they are from my 2003 dance with cancer).

Meet the dream team, in order as I met them:

Doctor Rod Flynn, surgical oncologist. 

He is a hoot, quick with an infectious smile.  Great doctor, great bedside manner.  Takes his time to actually talk to you and explain things.  If you don't understand, ask questions, he answers them, and not in terms that are over your head.

He will laugh and joke with you, but when it is time to get serious, he does.  When I first met  him I told him that I didn't want to shit or piss in a bag.  He tilted his head and said "Oh, girls from Cleveland are a bit earthy."  But he took it in stride.

He has the cutest two year old!!  Ask him to show you the picture!!

The staff is wonderful.  His PA, Kevin is a sweetheart.  Caring, concerned for the patients well being.  Just wonderful.

And the staff that works with them are fantastic.  Quick with a smile, if you have a problem with something they are quick to help find the answer.  Amazing staff.  Here is a link to learn a bit more: Dr. Rod Flynn and staff  They need to put a picture of Kevin in there and info on him.

Dr. Christopher Vaughn, Medical Oncologist

Through Dr. Flynn, I was given an appointment with Dr. Christopher Vaughn, oncologist (my chemo doctor).

Kind, sort of soft spoken, a bit reserved, kind of reminds me of Wilson from House MD.  Great smile, and his expressions tell all.  When he is serious, serious, his face shows it.  Not in a bad way though, so it doesn't cause you to worry.  He is another doctor that explains what the treatment plans are, what the possible side effects will be, he listens to your concerns.

All the doctors at Hematology Oncology Associates of Fredricksburg are great.

The staff of nurses and office staff are wonderful.  Right there when you need a question answered, helping to find a solution to a problem.  And trust me the nurses can handle emergencies in a calm, cool, collected manner.  My second day of chemo proved that, and I got an ambulance ride out of it. LOL!  Here is a link to learn a bit more (well they don't have a huge site, but a few pictures of the building that looks like a ski lodge where I went for chemo) Hematology Oncology Associates of Fredricksburg

Dr. John Chinault.  Radiation Oncology. 

Part of the Cancer Center of Virginia.  Unfortunately I can't find a web address for them other than the list of doctors that is on the Mary Washing site.

Dr. Chinault has a touch of a southern drawl.  Not much at all, really.  It is just a couple of words that have the faintest of faint drawls.  Really nice.  Easy going, explains things that will happen.  Someone you feel comfortable with.

In 2003 I had radiation, and I had a huge radiation burn, purple and red, burned like a bitch (by the way NEVER put Solarcane on a radiation burn), and oozed.  Really disgusting.  This time? No burn, no pain from a burn, no oozing.  Fantastic!!!

The staff there is awesome too.  The folks that do the treatments rock.  They are caring, they will laugh with you, and cry with you.  The nursing staff is just as caring, and the office staff is stellar.

Dr. Timothy Sherwood, Thoracic Surgeon

Dr. Sherwood is talented, and you can't help but smile when he is.  He makes sure you feel comfortable and tells you up front what to expect.  He will listen to your concerns, and addresses them.  And he has a beautiful wife, and some great looking kids, four of them!!  He is a family man lots of pictures in his office, and I think that helps when a patient is sitting there discussing treatment.  You see he has a family, and he understands that you are worried for your family.

The staff is another example of a great staff.  Both office and nursing.  Need something, they do their best to handle it as quickly as humanly possible.

Meet Dr. Sherwood. Dr. Sherwood

If you click on the links on this page there are youtube videos of Dr. Sherwood and Dr. Flynn.  Mary Washington - Dr. Flynn & Dr. Sherwood video links  Oh yeah, there is a picture of Dr. Flynn and Dr. Sherwood in the title bar, one of the sliders, who ever did the photoshop work of putting Dr. Flynn next to Dr. Sherwood did a great job.  The OR pic is the same one that is on the Thoracic Surgery Program page.  Yes, I notice things like that.

I have said this before, the nursing staff at Mary Washington Hospital is top notch.  Caring, concerned, can handle anything.  Every nurse I met is a 100% A plus plus sweetheart of a nurse.

From the cleaning staff, to the food staff, to the volunteers.  Polite, caring, do their jobs efficiently, and well.  Always taking the time to be sure the patient is first.



Going through the cancer for a second time, I am glad I was here in Stafford, and had my "Dream Team" and their staffs treating me, and if I had to be hospitalized (and I did so many times people accused me of confusing Mary Washington in Fredricksburg with a vacation home. LOL!)

I don't think I could have been in better hands.

July 13th has come and gone, and the staples have been removed - Tumor pics attached

Normally I would have done a post about the up coming surgery, but this time I didn't.  I don't know why, just didn't feel like writing.  Been meaning to write something since but writers block I guess.  Maybe because I really didn't have any apprehensive feelings about the surgery.  After all I survived having my chest cracked open and 2/3 of the right lung being removed.

Maybe it had something to do with the doctor, or the fact my friend Debbie (who is an awesome nurse) was going to be there watching.  To me that was rather comforting.

I do like Doctor Flynn.  He is funny, personable, and deals with me straight forward, no holds barred.  He is the only doctor I have ever hug whenever I see him.  (To be honest I hug Kevin too, Dr. Flynn's  PA-C.)  Oh yeah, Dr. Flynn has the cutest two year old, and he is so wrapped.

July 13th was the date for my abdominal surgery, the day they took the "alien baby" out.  But I had an adventure the day before that.

July 12th I went in for an endo something or other.  It is were they knock your happy ass out and put a camera down your throat to look at your small intestines.  Well, the doctor doing that decided to use the longer scope and got further into the small intestines, and guess what he found?  Yep, you guessed, another tumor.  Ain't I the little tumor factory?

Dr. Lee (yes his name is Lee, no relation) tattooed the spot where the tumor was, and even took pictures, there below.  Hey, my intestines had a tattoo, how weird is that?

So on the 13th Dr. Flynn got to take out part of my intestine too.  I was sliced open from stomach to the pelvic bone, one long vertical cut and my insides were messed with.  Then I was stapled up.

One thing I will tell you right now, it hurts like a bitch to stand up and try to walk right after surgery, and it is impossible to walk when you have an epidural in your lower back.  You have no control over your legs.  (In my case this time it only affected the right leg).

My son was there when they helped me get out of bed and move over to the chair, he said I had anime eye because of the pain.  He had no idea a humans eyes could get that big.  But I made it and sat up for something like 7 hours.  Started walking too.  They were amazed at me once the epidural was taken out and I had feeling in the leg again.  I don't see why, I mean come on how can I walk if the muscles in the leg can't work because I can't feel them, and how incredible is it that when I can feel my leg I can walk.  Only common sense.  But then again, who knows.

My son actually made me realize something when I made the comment I wish my abdominal muscles would stop aching.  Duh, that is my core, and you get lots of strength from your core, mine has to heal again, and it will be a while before it feels  normal.  DUH!!

One more surgery to go. Remove the mass from in between the pectoral muscle and under the right clavicle (collar bone). Only one more......

OK, this is gone from being semi well written to just rambling, so below there are pictures, if you have a weak tummy, don't look.




 My insides ----------->
That yellow stuff is fat I think. :D

More of my insides

This is Fred the Alien Baby they cut out and part of the small intestine

This is Debbie, my friend and awesome nurse

This is the tumor with the small instestin cut open, the white round thing is the tumor that was in the intestine

Close up of the tumor in the small intestine

A Good Day, A Good Week - Just talking about it

This wee really has been a good week looking back at it.  Nothing amazing happened, but it was filled with little simple things that made it good, normal every day things.

Monday was a quiet day, that is it.  Yeah, I get bored, but then I get over it, yes I get cabin fever, but at least I can get cabin fever.

Tuesday was my birthday.  Just surviving the surgeries and being alive was a great gift.  My co workers sent our Bosses (yes, plural) Warrant Officer, Branch Head, and Outside Plant Manager to my house with two birthday cards and and Edible Arrangements arrangement.  And it had chocolate covered strawberries.  It was yummy!!

Then Jasmine and I spent the afternoon walking through the Torpedo Factory.  It was a torpedo factory in the day, then it was converted into Artist Studios, lots of talented people with studios there.  Indian for dinner and home.  Great day.  No big party, don't need that simple enjoyable.  Those are the best.

Wednesday we stopped at Starbucks and had ice coffee with a blueberry muffin.  Nothing fancy, sat outside for a while, and talked.  Then we took a ride to Town Center so I could get my eyebrows threaded (they finally grew back and looked very Sicilian).  We stopped in a couple of stores and we saw some outfits I could really rock, but then I looked at the price, and went I don't think so.  And they were suppose to be on sale.  Leftovers for lunch, Jasmine went to work, and I had the last of my leftovers for dinner. 

No exciting adventure, just a simple day.

I'm tired, but that is because when I went to bed tired, I couldn't fall asleep till 1:30, sat up asking myself why I that some days.  Then I got up at 5:30.

You see, this was one of those days that was planned as a "long" day.  Jasmine's dog Riley had an appointment at 7 AM to be groomed.  (OK, now you are asking why I got up at 5:30.  Well, I had a head ache, so I got to sit and have coffee and Ibuprofen, then take a shower and get dressed.  Hey!   My eyelashes grew back!! Woo HOO!).  So we decided that after we dropped her off we would go out to breakfast, then stop at Lowe's.  (Had a coupon for Ihop, buy one get one free, can't beat that.)

So Riley got dropped off, Jasmine and I had a leisurely breakfast, then went over to Lowe's and I found an umbrella for the patio table that was marked down, and two chairs that matched.  So we get two chairs, the umbrella and base.  (Yes, it all fit in the car.)

We finish putting it in the car and Riley is done, go pick her up, get home unload the car, put the umbrella up on the table set the chairs up and before we know it, time to go to get my chest xray done before my doctor's appointment today.

The clerk at the imaging center said they were running an hour behind.  Great, I need to be at my doctor's at 11:00, it is 10.  Well, I need the xray before I go see him so we wait.  About 10:40 I call and tell them I am still waiting for the xray, then all of a sudden I am next.  Get the xray walk to the doctors office in the next building, and I am on time.  All I could think of was I hope the doctor is close to on time because they were having a picnic at work today and I'd like to stop by to see everyone.

The appointment went great.  He said he was amazed and thrilled at how well I am doing and I look great.  Much better than he thought I would.  He asked if I was getting a lot of pain from where the chest was cracked open, and I told him no, it is the incision where you spread my ribs that aches at times, I take Ibuprofen for it.  He wanted to be sure I had pain pills.  Yes, I have them, just don't like taking them unless I really need them.  That seemed to make him happier.  (I figure narcotics make you tired and slow you down, so why take them if you can solve the problem with Ibuprofen.)  AND THE BEST NEWS, he gave me the go ahead to go back to work part time until the abdominal surgery with Dr. Flynn.  It'll be probably two weeks, but hey I'll take it.

We even made the picnic and I got to see some of the folks I work with daily, got lots of hugs too.  A couple that were a little tight (tender ribs remember) but that is OK, they were genuinely happy to see me and know I am going to be back to work.

Tomorrow I get to go to the local Goodyear early and have them check the front end of the car again, and get tires.  So I'll be up early, make a swing by Starbucks and get a blueberry muffin, and go sit and wait for my car. 

Nothing thrilling, didn't win the lottery, just everyday stuff, simple stuff that reminds me how wonderful life can be if you look for the simple things.

Now take a step back, look at your day and pick one small thing that was simple and good.

The Roller Coaster of Life Continues

Not whining today, although I will admit to being a bit tired.  Sleep hasn't been the easiest thing to get.  I'll be tired when  going to bed, get comfortable and then someone flips a switch and I am wide awake.  Two hours later I'll be asleep, then up again in a couple of hours.  Never mind the getting up to pee.  Did you know that staying hydrated you pee a lot?  ALL flipping day and night?

Well there is a third tumor.  Found out about it last week.  I was stunned to say the least.  I could have cried, but didn't.  It is on the  right side in between the pectoral muscles. Major and minor I think.  Kind of tuned that out. 

I am a bit apprehensive about this one, in 2003 the sarcoma was on my left hamstring muscle.  They removed the hamstring to get the tumor, granted the tumor was larger than a basket ball, but it was attached to the muscle, and I am just not up to maybe losing the pec muscle, major or minor.

But at the moment it is small and doc says he can get it going through the right arm pit, but that will have to wait until after the abdominal surgery, which will be in about two to three weeks.

LOL!  A third tumor, my body's birthday present to me.

Life continues and I still deal with day to day things like having the sway bar on the car replaced, and having to get tires. Dealing with the IRS.  Arguing with the mechanic that they still haven't taken care of the clunk when you turn the wheel. Oh and getting the plates renewed, and the yearly safety inspection.  The repair shop wants me to drop the car off for the clunk and tires, I told them no, it is the only transportation I have and I am not walking back home, so one day I'll show up when they open, and wait.  have no choice.  Not to mention paying bills, medical and the normal life bills.  Digging through past payments to one of the medical places and getting copies of the payments made to prove they are wrong.

Six months ago all that with the car would have been stressing me out more than anyone could imagine, add the IRS to it and I would have needed Valium or something.  Now, I just deal with it. 

Funny how some things get put into a different light by other things that are happening in life.

So take sometime today, take a deep breath, relax and spend an hour or so doing something you enjoy or find relaxing. 

It all boils down to this, shit happens.  Sometimes it is a little shit, sometimes it is a lot of shit, sometimes it seems like unending shit, but if you let it the shit will have you ripping your hair out and send you to an early grave. 

So vent get it out, let it go, and find time for yourself to recharge.  And right now I am going to recharge by sitting on the deck, listening to the birds and sounds of the neighborhood, including the sounds of a functional base doing practice maneuvers.  (Yep, the boys on base are playing with the boom booms.)

TIred, and Please Pass the Cheese to go with the Whine

I'm not sure this post will make it out or not, I'm not sure what to even title it. What I am sure about is I am tired. So very tired of , hospitals, doctors, medicine, pain. Days like today I can feel the tendrils of depression wanting to sink into my head/emotions. Most of it is because I am tired I think.

I don't write these posts to hear how strong I am or how great I am. Or to have people feel sorry for me because of the pain. Pain is a relative thing in reality. You go through the worst pain you have ever felt in your life, and the peg is raised for the next time. Anyone can deal with it and survive. You have to, better to feel pain, fight and triumph than to give up and roll over.

Today I had a visit with my radiation doctor, nice guy. A one month follow up. He is really happy with how I look, and glad that there wasn't a radiation burn. Me too, back in 2003 I had one hell of a radiation burn, turned the back of the leg all purplish and oozed. Burnt all the time too. Oh, here is something I learned then, never use Solarcane or any other sunburn product on a radiation burn. Just bad, bad business.

He acknowledges that I have been through a hell of a lot in the past three weeks, but he said the worst is yet to come. Yes, having 2/3 of a lung removed and going through Thoracic Duct repair was hard, but the main tumor they are still and have been majorly worried about is the one in the abdomen. It is going to be a harder surgery and recovery.

I was hoping for a go in scoop it out and be done with it, not something worse than what has been.

It is going to get worse? I can't sleep laying flat, it hurts to try to get out of bed, hurts to sneeze, cough, I have a right boob so swollen it isn't funny, but the boob is going to apply for it's own zip code. My arms are swollen like kielbasi cooked on a grill and the skin is so stretched that it can't stretch any more, the hands are puff pastries with little fat sausages attached that are suppose to be fingers.

I am tired and achy, so today isn't such a good day, slept like crude last night too, even after taking pain pills, they lasted two hours.

So today I am having an off day because I am tired, and I whined and vented. It helps. Now I will go rot my brain with some TV, and hopefully get some sleep tonight so I can be a wise ass bitch tomorrow.

If you remember anything at all from this, remember cancer is harder on the family and friends, they have to watch, all we patients have to do is survive.

Cancer is Harder on Family and Friends

Yes you read that right.  Cancer is harder on family and friends.  Well think about it, and remember this is MY blog and My point of view, some think I am a bit warped.

But as the Cancer patient all I have to do is deal with the treatment, side effects and surgeries.  I can put my energy in to the fight.

Friends and family watch what the cancer does to the patient.  The chemo, the poison that is pumped into your body causes nausea, your hair to fall out, immune system to crash, surgeries.  They watch that, they want to do something, but really don't know what.  I mean, come on, all I got to do is puke, they watch and worry.

They want to do something, but don't know what, they are scared, frightened and don't want to think about the possible negative outcome. No one wants to think about the negative outcome.  No one wants to be accepting of death.

So what can they do?  Well, one thing is they can find support groups from the various cancer organizations out there, it does  help to vent.  Ask the doctor's office if they know of any groups, ask the hospitals social worker what is offered for the family support group of the patient.

This shit plays  havoc with the patients emotions, it plays even more havoc on the family and friends.
But the most important thing that they can do is be honest with the cancer patient.  Don't always try to put on that brave happy face.  We see through it.  Talk, express your concerns, how you feel, ask them how they feel.  You will end up crying together and end up laughing.  Expression of those emotions are exhausting, but it does help.  Trust me.  Try it.

Second Surgery, Musings and Comfort Food

Well the surgery to fix the Thoracic Duct Leaks went well, it seems they are fixed and I am breathing a bit better, but I never want to go through that pain again.  Let me take you on the adventure.

Got a call saying that a surgery was put in front of mine so rather than be at the hospital at 11 AM be there at 12:30.  Sure no problem. All the while thinking, sure no problem no water, or food after midnight Tuesday, which means also no tea or coffee so from a minimum time of midnight I can't have anything, and it is those days you always want. 

Then I get a call my surgery is back to the "normal" time be at the hospital at 11 AM.  Me, I'm still thinking about what I can't have starting at midnight.  But 11 is better than 12:30.

I get up Wednesday morning early, but stayed in bed an extra hour or so watching TV, because there really wasn't anything else to do.  Got up took a shower, wanted to drink the water coming out of the shower, I felt dry pipes like I hadn't had water in days.  Get dressed walk out into the kitchen.  I sit down, all I can think of is I feel like I am starving, I want eggs, I want toast, hash browns, all I know is I am starving and I want to eat.  

We end up leaving a half hour earlier than we needed to, good thing too as we pull up to the hospital and I am getting out of the car the doctor's office calls, where am I?  Out side the hospital you said my time went back to the normal time.  I hear, good they are looking for you your time got moved up.  Great.

Get to patient admitting, tell her the name is Lee, she looks for the last name of Leek.  Can't find it.  I say Lee, LEE, she looks for Leek.  Let's try this one more time, and I spell it very slowly, L E E.  Wow, she finds my paper work and I am escorted to the surgical waiting are, within 3 minutes I am called bad to the area to be weighed and change into the "paper" gown, yep it is paper.

Got to see Jasmine, then the anaesthesiologist came in and told me that Dr. Sherwood wants to do this with an epidural. Thoracic surgery one of the if not the most painful.  Have I had them before?  Yeah two weeks ago, I was given a drug so I wouldn't remember it, but I remember it because it didn't kick in till after he was done, I remember the scrapping, crunchy noises as the catheter passed through the spine.  He promised I wouldn't remember this one, and he was right I don't.

What I DO remember was coming to in the recovery room for a minute feeling OK, and passing back out, came to later and was in intense pain.  Seems I had some "issues" with the epidural during surgery.  The pain I cam to and felt was indeed the worse pain I had ever felt in my life, topping the labor I had with Jim, and topping the pain I felt back in 2003 while I had to spend a week on my  stomach.

While in surgery they used and and when the anaesthesiologist used a small dose of the drug my blood pressure dropped.  Now it is normal for a persons blood pressure dropping during the use of an epidural, but mine dropped to systolic rates, so bad they turned it off, pumped me full of fluids, and put me on a drug to raise my blood pressure.  (My blood pressure normally runs a bit low but not that low).  They started using a drug called duloted on me (not spelled right) it would knock me out for 20 minutes and I'd wake up in intense pain.  Jasmine was there trying to talk me through the pain.  All I could think of was concentrate on my breathing, keep breathing, but even with that I would ask for help because it hurt so bad.

They got me into ICU and started to slowly get me back on the epidural and watch the blood pressure.  Trust me I was so grateful that the intense pain has easing up.  But on the up side 24 hours later pain was controlled and I was sent to a regular room.

The thing about being in a regular room is you must sit up and walk, which I do understand it helps with recovery.  And I really didn't mind it if it weren't for all the "accessories" I had.   

Not only did I have to deal with accessories, but because of all the fluid they used to keep myblood pressure up my hands look like puffed pasteries, and my fingers are fat little sausages.  AND the right bood is a D cup while the left is a b/c.

For me to walk they either got a wheel chair or a walker and hung things on them.  I had two chest drains (which are the most God awful things to deal with they cause the most discomfort once the pain is controlled)  two containers that are collecting the drainage from the chest, one container that is connected to the catheter, oh and let's not forget the IV, and the pain pump.  All that made standing something you want to avoid. But we'd do it.  And walk in a circle.

The drainage tubes seem to "scrape" and "pull" and since I could feel mine through the back it was impossible to get comfortable to really sleep.  I know sleeping and getting rest in a hospital is about impossible.

Oh yeah, the epidural fell out, so they put me on a PCA that fed the pain meds through the IV, which was already burning my vein.  Not fun, but with a couple of hits of the pump button the vein numbed and so did the spots where the drains were and some sleep could be found.

They removed a drain Friday, the catheter on Thursday.  That helped lots.  The drain they removed was the one I could feel along my right shoulder blade.   Having a drain yanked out hurts.  But the relief you feel afterwards is amazing.

Doc told me to eat fatty food, because it was a fatty substance that was leaking.  I am in a hospital, the use I can't believe it is not butter (trust me I can believe it is not butter) so I tell my wonderful daughter to bring me a strawberry shake from Carl's.  Fatty comfort food. 

The fluids looked good Saturday AM, so I get to go  home.  The drain is yanked out, paper work is done, pain pill taken for the ride home.  By lunchtime I am sitting having a cup of coffee at my dinning room table and Jasmine is making lunch.

The house is quiet, and the smell of the stir fry veggies is wonderful.  She brings lunch over and surprise, there are mashed potatoes.  Comfort food.  Exactly what I needed.  I don't know how she knew but I needed mashed potatoes.  They were delish!  After lunch I took a two hour nap.

I am working on going places and staying moving, Part of me wants to just stay in PJs in the house and the other keeps saying I need to go out because if I let the side that wants to stay in win, I lose.

So there is the story of the week, not well written but at least it got written.  Me, I am going to make a small batch of pasta sauce, because tonight we will have baked ziti.  Simple, and keeps me active.

Hope your weekend was wonderful.

Second Chest Surgery in Less than Two Weeks and other Musings

Well, here I am sitting wondering what to do with myself the next few hours.  Already balanced the checking account, I could pay the one bill, but I am not going to, it is a doctor’s bill.  They can wait a week.

To be honest, I am tired.  I find breathing a bit difficult.  Like there is something sitting on my chest.  I suppose it is filling back up with fluid, even the small ribs on the right side are starting to ache like they did before, a dull pressure related ache.

Yes, I am very tired.  Don’t want to take a nap, I am afraid it would interfere with sleeping tonight, although that wouldn’t be anything new, but I have to admit I slept last night, only woke up twice, but I was so exhausted I don’t think my body cared how contorted I was while sleeping.  Except I did care when I woke up, joints and muscles ached like I tried to do a marathon or something.

Speaking of marathons, June 11 is Run Amok here at Quantico.  It isn’t a marathon; it is a 3.5 mile run through an obstacle course and mud pits.  Something I could have walked.  I was hoping a group of us from BaseTel would do it, but since I can’t no one is, at least I don’t think anyone else decided to try to organize a group to do it.

God I can’t wait till I can walk without feeling short of breathe again.

My week started off rather interesting.  We all know that the doctor sent some of the fluid out to the lab on Friday to make sure where it was coming from.  First phone call on Monday morning. “This is Dr. Sherwood’s office; he wants to know if you can come in at 1 PM.  He is squeezing you in-between a surgery and another patient.”  Yeah, that is one hell of a call to get.

So I show up at 1 and his surgery took longer than expected, only an hour, and to be honest I was surprised, because what he does is some really delicate surgeries.  He is an amazing and very likeable doctor.

He looks at me and says you know how I didn’t like the color?  That milky color when I pulled those two liters of fluid out of you?  (He still sounded amazed at the fact there was two liters of fluid in my chest).  It is a Thoracic Duct that is leaking and we need to fix it.  It is a nutritional leak. (Something about leaking the fat into my chest.  No that isn’t why the right boob is a D cup rather than a B/C.)  I kind of didn’t listen to the what type of fat thing.  He said they have tried diet to help it heal in other patients but it didn’t work.  The diet would be NO fat.  You read that right NONE, zip nada, nothing, just what is natural and those choices are the lowest fat you can find.  Surgery would be the best and quickest way to solve the problem.

All I could think was “Doc, I am half Sicilian, I have already given up a hamstring, latisimus muscle, 2/3 of a lung, and yet to give up what is in  my abdomen to cancer, I am not giving up food that tastes good, especially now since food is FINALLY tasting good.  (Although I need to start being careful so I don’t balloon up, it is really easy to do when food goes from tasting and feeling like slime in your mouth to all the wonderful, complex flavors and textures.  It is very easy to fall into the “AH my body needs it and go overboard.  It all comes down to balance.)

Any way so in less than two weeks I will be going through another surgery, in fact it is tomorrow.  I will have a cut that starts on my back goes down along my right side and have my sore ribs spread so he can get in to find and seal the leak.  A two to three hour surgery followed by two to three days in the hospital.

The unnerving part is he will be near the diaphragm.  Don’t want that damaged.  He is a bit concerned because the tumor was so huge and involved it will be like going into a warzone for him.  So let’s all pray that his hands are guided so there is no collateral damage.

On the up note, he got excellent margins, so the cancer is out of my chest.

People keep telling me how strong I am.  Let me be honest, I am not.  I have no choice; I have to deal with it.  Besides, I draw strength from the two people in the world I would give anything for.  My kids.  My son Jim and my daughter Jasmine.  Both have been pillars of strength for me, both have given me encouragement when my morale was running low, both have continually let me know they love me and will always love me whether I have1 scar or a million.  They love me for me.

So tomorrow, just like the last time I had surgery before they knock me out I will remember how much my kids love me and how much I love them, and how I would go through hell and back for them.  And when I wake up I know that I will be greeted by Jasmine’s smiling face and know that Jim would be “concerned” and she would have filled him in.  I know he’d be there, but I say that PHD is more important.  (Very proud of my kids btw).

So to say I am a strong person isn’t exactly right, I draw my strength from my two wonderful children.  I will go under the anesthesia thinking of them and how much they love me and how much I love them, trusting in their love and the love of a greater being to guide the doctor’s hands, and I will wake up, trusting the love of my children.

It is like what Jasmine has been telling me all along, and to be honest I was doing it and not realizing it. 

Trust love.

1 1/3 Lungs and Two Weeks Later

Well, tomorrow it will be two weeks since they took out 2/3 of my right lung.  Been meaning to do this for awhile. but when the mood to write strikes, the lap top was either in use or in accessible.  Finally figured to hell with it, however this comes out it comes out.

Dr. Sherwood did a great job, they ended up going through the sternum, the tumor was too large for them to do it any other way, and to be honest even though I have a scar you can see unless I wear a turtle neck I am glad they did it that way, I think it was the less painful approach.  At least I think I was; either that or I really do have a high tolerance to pain.

I spent five days in the hospital, feeling fairly good, well as good as you could feel being hooked up to a pain pump that was attached to you through an epidural, drain tubes and Foley. 

I thought that sleeping would be a problem, but at the hospital and at home the first few nights being propped up on a slight incline seemed to do the number.

While I was in the hospital I started having a problem with my right arm swelling up, and I do mean swelling.  To the point it was making the skin in areas of the arm very tender.  Oh yeah, and the right boob swelled too.  It is bigger than the left now, noticeably.  They have no idea why the boob is swelling; they swear they didn’t do anything to it, well other than cut under it.

Anyway back to the arm.  Dr. Sherwood decided to put a drain into the front of my chest on the right side just below the collar bone to help with the swelling and hopefully drain the fluid.  Numbed me up, and inserted the tube.  I didn’t watch because it was in a very awkward spot to try to watch.  I know Jasmine seemed fascinated by it, but she ended up not watching because it made her want to pass out.  Lots of fluid drained out, and Friday when they pulled the drain tubes (by the way that hurts) the one on the chest was still draining.  

I don’t think they thought it would drain like it did, they bandaged it up and told me to leave it for two days and then just take it off, well, the plastic sticky that they put over the gauze could only hold back so much liquid before it started leaking.  Trust me there is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night because the front of your shirt is wet.

For three days and nights I ended up using sanitary pads on the drainage spot.  SUPER PLUS pads.  And they would soak.  But at least I figured a way to live through the day without having the front of my shirt soaking wet.

Come on now, no it wasn’t blood; it wasn’t clear red or even pinkish.  The fluid was a clear yellowish, reminds me of the fluid that helps form scabs.  Yes, I used to pick at my scabs as a kid.  All kids do, don’t they?

The opening healed and I am still having issues with the arm swelling, it swells so much that you can touch it and leaves an indentation.  Very funny I suppose.  And yes the right boob is still swollen; trust me not the way to get a boob job.  Very tender.

Any way I started feeling kind of tired and winded, like my lung capacity was reducing instead of improving.  I mean when I got out of the hospital I felt good, and figured Jasmine and I could go to the Torpedo Factory (factory that used to make torpedoes now is an artists gallery)but Wednesday when I went to the docs for a follow up and chest x-ray they noticed a buildup of fluid in the chest cavity.  I had already known something was up because for the past few nights sleeping was close to impossible.  I would get comfortable in some awkward position so I could breathe, sleep for about 30 minutes, then wake up to move around so the muscles stop aching, and find a different way to contort so I can breathe and sleep.  There are actually spots I can’t lay because I can’t get enough air into my lung.

It isn’t only getting enough air into the lung, or is it lungs?  It is also the Oxygen saturation of the blood, not enough in the blood you don’t have any energy and end up gasping for air.  Not fun.

Amazing how we take the simple action of breathing for granted.  Going to have to work on getting the lung/s in better shape once I get the you are healed go ahead.

Anyway, I had a fluid buildup in my chest, I mentioned that right?  So Friday morning I was at the doctor’s office to have the fluid drained.  He numbed a spot in my back and inserted a needle into the chest cavity and started draining it off.

Two liters of fluid.  I heard a shock in his voice when he asked the nurse to get something else to pour this into.  I don’t think he expected there to be that much fluid.

It was a pinkish/milky fluid.  He thinks that there may be some damage to a thoracic lymph node, even though they weren’t working near them that could be causing the milky color.  They sent some of the fluid out to the lab to find out.If it is a problem with a node, then another surgery will fix it.

I guess it is fairly common for the chest to fill with a fluid after this type of surgery at least once, but not the color/opacity like I had.  What happens happens, if I need it to be fixed it will be fixed.

Right now I do have issues breathing, which makes me wonder if the chest cavity isn’t filling again, but not the same positions give relief, so I have  no idea what is going on.  I do know the more humid it is the more thick the air feels and makes it seem a bit more difficult.

Any way you look at it, I have to find a way to adapt to the changes in my body, and accept them, to find a way to overcome them so to speak.  I can’t let them run me.

At a Better Space or The week is flying by

I can't believe it is already Wednesday.  The week has been flying by for me, probably because I am dreading/looking forward to Monday.  Sunday probably will drag.

It is amazing over the last few days the emotional roller coaster ride I have been on, all a part of dealing with some of the possible out comes or collateral damage that may occur.

I am not happy about any of the possible collateral damage that may happen, but I think I have come to a point that as long as I can function normally (what passes for normal for me) I can handle it.  To be honest I really wouldn't have a choice so may as well come to terms with it.

Yeah, I am still a bit frightened, but I am OK with it.  I mean even though I went through so many surgeries back in 2003, they didn't open me up and mess with my internal organs, or break ribs or open the sternum.  To me it is a little disconcerting to think that they are really going to be messing with an organ that is behind my rib cage, still gives me a bit of trepidation. Since I can't change that I have to accept it and have faith.

Not much of a post, but a note that the mental distress is dissipating.  Let's hope I stay this calm as they wheel me into the operating room, and hope the rest of the week flies by so I can get this over and done with.

To Lose a Lung or Not to Lose a Lung, There is NO Option

Seriously, there isn't. I got a surgery date yesterday from the Thoracic Surgeon. May 23. I have to be at the hospital at 9:30, surgery is at 11:30 AM. It is supposed to take about three hours.



First when my daughter Jasmine and I were sitting in his office he asks if they told me about the CAT scan results. My reply was not for the lung. He says, the tumor in the lung did not respond to the chemo. My reply, Huh, I guess they decided to let you deliver that bad news. His reply, it is a BIG tumor.



Yes, I am looking forward to it, and yet I'm not, at least for the moment.

Why am I not looking forward to it? Let's just say I wish the doctor would have gone over some of the potential downsides when I first talked to him back in February, I think it was February.

He told me how they would go in, starting the incision on my back, right side, under the arm and ending up on the side/front, under the breast tissue. Well now there is a possibility that if they start that approach it won't work and they will have to go in from the front of the chest. Either way a rib will be broken and ribs spread so they can get access to the lung.

They will start with the cut on the back approach first, but if that doesn't work, I'll end up with two lovely scars.

So what other things are there a potential of? Let's see. Damage to the voice. Great, I work at BaseTel, I talk on the phone, let's just fuck up my job.

Damage to the nerve that affects the diaphragm, which may make it more difficult to breath.  Oh, if it is too difficult they can do another surgery!  They go in and tighten up the diaphragm. In seventh grade I had a Home Economics (Cooking) teacher that had problems with talking and breathing, assuming she had problems with her lung, she'd say a few words then a deep breath, say a few more, again a deep breath. I like being able to talk the way I do. Let's hope it stays that way.

Possible damage to the Vena Cava (spelled wrong most likely) main artery from the heart. There is a possibility it may be damaged and have to be rebuilt. Rebuilt is not a good thing in my book. Opens a whole can of other worms.

More susceptible to pneumonia. Yeah great, I work where the guys HAVE to show up sick.

There are several more, but by the time he got to them all I was hearing was blah blah blah. All I could think was how could you not tell me this stuff way back when to give me time to digest it all. Ten days away from surgery and you tell me? WTF? Don't you think it takes time for a person to deal and digest all that?

Then I had to sign a paper that listed the procedure name, and the possible other damages and he said one of my options was to do nothing. Since when was doing nothing an option for me? I don't have that option. First off, um it is cancer, it WILL kill me, second they will not do the abdominal surgery until the lung surgery is done because of where in the lung the tumor is and it is leaning against the heart. So please tell me when was not doing a surgery that can really fuck me up not an option? Seriously when?

In 2003 when I went through cancer I had 12 or 13 surgeries, was resuscitated on the OR table, had the hamstring on the left leg removed, had the right latisimus muscle moved from my back to my leg to protect the bone and nerves, other than that it doesn't work as a muscle. Several skin grafts because they kept failing. None of that bothered me or even scared me.

Life finally has handed me something that frightened me. They are going to open up my body and mess with internal organs. They are literally going to have a machine breath for me while they dice my lung. I am going to be put further in debt because it too to add insult to injury. Yeah I am frightened and I think I have every right to be.

I just wish the dumb shit would have told me this stuff way back when; I'd be in a better space in my head if he did.