TIred, and Please Pass the Cheese to go with the Whine

I'm not sure this post will make it out or not, I'm not sure what to even title it. What I am sure about is I am tired. So very tired of , hospitals, doctors, medicine, pain. Days like today I can feel the tendrils of depression wanting to sink into my head/emotions. Most of it is because I am tired I think.

I don't write these posts to hear how strong I am or how great I am. Or to have people feel sorry for me because of the pain. Pain is a relative thing in reality. You go through the worst pain you have ever felt in your life, and the peg is raised for the next time. Anyone can deal with it and survive. You have to, better to feel pain, fight and triumph than to give up and roll over.

Today I had a visit with my radiation doctor, nice guy. A one month follow up. He is really happy with how I look, and glad that there wasn't a radiation burn. Me too, back in 2003 I had one hell of a radiation burn, turned the back of the leg all purplish and oozed. Burnt all the time too. Oh, here is something I learned then, never use Solarcane or any other sunburn product on a radiation burn. Just bad, bad business.

He acknowledges that I have been through a hell of a lot in the past three weeks, but he said the worst is yet to come. Yes, having 2/3 of a lung removed and going through Thoracic Duct repair was hard, but the main tumor they are still and have been majorly worried about is the one in the abdomen. It is going to be a harder surgery and recovery.

I was hoping for a go in scoop it out and be done with it, not something worse than what has been.

It is going to get worse? I can't sleep laying flat, it hurts to try to get out of bed, hurts to sneeze, cough, I have a right boob so swollen it isn't funny, but the boob is going to apply for it's own zip code. My arms are swollen like kielbasi cooked on a grill and the skin is so stretched that it can't stretch any more, the hands are puff pastries with little fat sausages attached that are suppose to be fingers.

I am tired and achy, so today isn't such a good day, slept like crude last night too, even after taking pain pills, they lasted two hours.

So today I am having an off day because I am tired, and I whined and vented. It helps. Now I will go rot my brain with some TV, and hopefully get some sleep tonight so I can be a wise ass bitch tomorrow.

If you remember anything at all from this, remember cancer is harder on the family and friends, they have to watch, all we patients have to do is survive.