Don't Wait on Your Bucket List

Currently I am sitting in Roma!  I can't believe it.  I made it to a country I always wanted to visit, but never thought possible.  Better yet my son Jim and daughter Jasmine were with me.  So far it has been the trip of a lifetime!

Jim and Jasmine at IAD

We left Dulles on the 28th at 9 PM.  (Yes Jasmine and I got there a "little early"  OK, OK, a lot early, I am paranoid) we landing in Paris around 10:40 the 29th, sat around the Pairs airport for a bit after walking back and forth between Air France areas trying to find where the gate was for the second leg of the trip (booked that little flight separate)  The second being Roma (Rome - The Italians spell it Roma, and pronounce it like it looks, why do we change it?)

We are staying at a Airbnb.  Cute little place, right near a bus line and a tram.  We have been taking the public transit.

Which while riding the Metro here, got me to thinking, WHY do we always put off things we would like to do?  Ok, maybe a trip like this needs to be saved for but in the mean time, why not go exploring at home?  In your city or in your state?  Do something that you wouldn't normally do.  Why wait for the simple little things?

Hallway going into the Sistine Chapel

What am I talking about?  Everywhere has local churches that are beautiful.  Full of stained glass, older churches with unique architecture.  You don't have to be a part of that particular religion to appreciate the craftsmanship that went into designing and building the church, or the beauty of the art of the glass, or statues.  Seriously, if *I* can visit the Vatican, than you can explore your local old churches.

For the record, this hallway to me is more impressive than the Chapel.  Don't get me wrong the Chapel is beautiful, but could you imagine being the only one in this hallway walking down it?  Pictures do not do it justice.

Gianni and Ceasare - amazing chef and sous. 

Then we did something anyone can do ANYWHERE!  We took a cooking class with an Italian Chef.  Gianni and Ceasare - amazing chef and sous.

It was so much fun, and the food turned out amazing.  So simple - we made sauce from TOMATOS, and two types of pasta, egg noodles and Cavatelli.

So do you get where I am going with this?  GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING.  DON'T WAIT FOR SOMEDAY!!  Find little things and do them, they will build an incredible number of memories.

One heck of a first day!!  I don't count Tuesday because we got in so late and were exhausted but we found a great neighborhood restaurant thanks to our host!  We were EXHAUSTED.

Our second day?  We visited Equiazione.  Basically it is a sanctuary for horses.  Every horse there has a story, some sadder than others.  We spent the day with Butteros (Italian Cowboys in essence). We took the train to Castel Gandolfo Train Station, where Matteo picked us up.  We ventured on to a local family run organic farm and picked tomatoes for the sauce Matteo made up for lunch.  We stopped a small cheese maker and got some sheep's milk cheese, first salted, and some fabulous ricotta.   Another stop for coffee and a pastry made with wild strawberries.

The on to Equiazione, to learn about the way they care for horses and the philosophy behind it.  It isn't your standard show up the horse comes out of the stable saddled and you go for a ride.  Nope, they talk to you find out your level explain their way of doing things, homeopathic and organic.  You meet the horses.  It was very educational.

Again, where am I going with this?  DO THE SMALL LITTLE THINGS WHERE YOU LIVE!!  Build that book of memories.  To be honest I would have never thought of going horseback riding at home.  I read the description and thought Jasmine would enjoy the experience, as much as I would, I think she enjoyed it more.

Seriously.  Please do not wait until you are in my position.  I spent too much time worrying about things that really didn't matter.  Learn from my mistakes.  I made so many of them worrying and trying to do things that didn't matter.  I wasted so much of my life, so much of the time I could have been spending building memories with my children.  I am not saying go be irresponsible.  But do something, if funds are tight, go to a park you have never visited and picnic.  Walk through it.  Visit a local beach, visit and volunteer somewhere.  There are so many amazing experiences!  Don't waste precious time!

Take your family and go do simple little things.  Do things by yourself.  

Give yourself time to enjoy life.  Only you can give yourself permission to do that.  You need someone to give you permission, ok, I give it to you.

Just another ranch hand

TOMATOS!

Jasmine really enjoyed herself

Jim took a nap

Hot peppers on the farm

It is funny, cancer for me over the years is just a part of life. I always knew that cancer would be what will end my life. I have been beating the odds since 2003. I am good with my mortality. Came to terms with that years and years ago.

June 29th my doctor and I had a talk. The antibody chemo (first person in the area to get it) seemed to keep the sarcoma on the upper aorta in check, and the one on the lung. But, I grew a new tumor in the colon, and surgery isn't an option.

My reaction was, "well, damn, that means I am still stuck with all that excess skin on my stomach!!"  I saw my surgeon when the tumor came up on the CT scan, and told him if he and the oncologist agree on surgery, he better damn well do something about the excess skin, because that scar that runs down the middle of my body from the sternum to the pelvic bone allows it to sag on two side.  (I have a multi pack that is saggy).

We will continued the Lavutro treatment (antibody)until the week of September 12. Then we go to the Yondelis (trabectedin) chemo. Another new one!! It is made from the sea sponge.

I asked about longevity  (I think I told you all this, but I am not sure). Optimistically 12 to 18 months. We are doing treatments that are less aggressive. I want to enjoy life, and have no desire to be hospitalized every other week for blood count.

Like I said, I am good with it. I won't give up. But accept the strong possibility. The thing I have the hardest time with? Leaving my children. Yes they are adults, but I would prefer them not having to deal with it.

I actually feel guilty because I don't want them grieving or feeling sad because I am gone.  I know many people think I am being a bit silly or a worry wart. But in reality, what one thing that makes life mean the most to me is seeing my children grow as humans.  Seeing them happy. 

The other is random acts of kindness, but you have to do them anonymously.  Like the other day, I treated myself to dinner out.  Local greasy spoon.  Two fresh faced Marines, you can just tell they were fresh out of training, and there was an older couple.  Told the waitress to give me their checks, and tell them someone said pay it forward if and when they can.  Do not tell them who.  I finished my liver and onions (yes, I like it, but lately I crave it) and the looks of astonishment on the faces were priceless.  Or sending items or funds to rescues anonymously.  Or at the grocery store, putting money toward someone's groceries, or walking into the little food band and dropping off bags, then walking out without a word.  I like doing that.  I like seeing the faces (when I can) of people who are astounded that kindness still exists in this world. God knows we humans need to learn to be nicer to one another.

But in the mean time, I need to win the lottery so I can do lots of random acts of helping those less fortunate, camp across the USA, and get some bucket list things done. But I want my children to go with me and build memories.

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

I think I explained before that I am an introvert with extrovert tendencies.  Well, I pretend to have extrovert tendencies.

To be honest, lots of things make me nervous as hell.  Mainly has to do with people, going into new situations, and the such.  I am terrified of looking like an imbecile.   Seriously, don't laugh.

Working out I am self conscious as hell.  No, it isn't a body image thing, and yes I started working out (maybe strengthening my body will help defer the expiration).  I work through my exercises thinking, well not thinking really, I try to block everyone and everything out.  Am I doing this right?  Of course I am.  But no one showed me, well I followed the pictures on the machine.

Oh man, when I go into a setting having to deal with a group of people, yeah, I just want to turn around and leave.  Again, I don't like feeling like an imbecile.  Even if I have a good idea of whatever it is, I get antsy.  It is worse when I am rusty on it.  Shit, then I think why the hell did I sign up for this in the first place.

You are thinking something like this "But she isn't afraid of cancer and dying?"  To answer you, no I am not.  I know my body, the signals, how it reacts.  Death is just a transition.  But dealing with new people on a one to one, or going into a group to deal with them alone?  I am quaking in my boots.

When I went to Bali a few years ago.  My first trip out of the country, alone.  Didn't bother me in the least.  I have no idea why.  Camping with my dogs, no problem.  I function very well independently.  Public stuff, not so much.

Now what brought this up again?  The following video.  I need to be more like that young man.  Talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and facing your fears!!  Bear with me and watch.  Once you do, you will understand.

After you watch the video, shut off the phone, computer, the whatever, and go outside, live life, laugh and maybe face one of your fears.  After chemo, I am going to.

This young man faces his fears  Click the link to see.  He is my new hero.