It is funny, cancer for me over the years is just a part of life. I always knew that cancer would be what will end my life. I have been beating the odds since 2003. I am good with my mortality. Came to terms with that years and years ago.

June 29th my doctor and I had a talk. The antibody chemo (first person in the area to get it) seemed to keep the sarcoma on the upper aorta in check, and the one on the lung. But, I grew a new tumor in the colon, and surgery isn't an option.

My reaction was, "well, damn, that means I am still stuck with all that excess skin on my stomach!!"  I saw my surgeon when the tumor came up on the CT scan, and told him if he and the oncologist agree on surgery, he better damn well do something about the excess skin, because that scar that runs down the middle of my body from the sternum to the pelvic bone allows it to sag on two side.  (I have a multi pack that is saggy).

We will continued the Lavutro treatment (antibody)until the week of September 12. Then we go to the Yondelis (trabectedin) chemo. Another new one!! It is made from the sea sponge.

I asked about longevity  (I think I told you all this, but I am not sure). Optimistically 12 to 18 months. We are doing treatments that are less aggressive. I want to enjoy life, and have no desire to be hospitalized every other week for blood count.

Like I said, I am good with it. I won't give up. But accept the strong possibility. The thing I have the hardest time with? Leaving my children. Yes they are adults, but I would prefer them not having to deal with it.

I actually feel guilty because I don't want them grieving or feeling sad because I am gone.  I know many people think I am being a bit silly or a worry wart. But in reality, what one thing that makes life mean the most to me is seeing my children grow as humans.  Seeing them happy. 

The other is random acts of kindness, but you have to do them anonymously.  Like the other day, I treated myself to dinner out.  Local greasy spoon.  Two fresh faced Marines, you can just tell they were fresh out of training, and there was an older couple.  Told the waitress to give me their checks, and tell them someone said pay it forward if and when they can.  Do not tell them who.  I finished my liver and onions (yes, I like it, but lately I crave it) and the looks of astonishment on the faces were priceless.  Or sending items or funds to rescues anonymously.  Or at the grocery store, putting money toward someone's groceries, or walking into the little food band and dropping off bags, then walking out without a word.  I like doing that.  I like seeing the faces (when I can) of people who are astounded that kindness still exists in this world. God knows we humans need to learn to be nicer to one another.

But in the mean time, I need to win the lottery so I can do lots of random acts of helping those less fortunate, camp across the USA, and get some bucket list things done. But I want my children to go with me and build memories.