This wee really has been a good week looking back at it. Nothing amazing happened, but it was filled with little simple things that made it good, normal every day things.
Monday was a quiet day, that is it. Yeah, I get bored, but then I get over it, yes I get cabin fever, but at least I can get cabin fever.
Tuesday was my birthday. Just surviving the surgeries and being alive was a great gift. My co workers sent our Bosses (yes, plural) Warrant Officer, Branch Head, and Outside Plant Manager to my house with two birthday cards and and Edible Arrangements arrangement. And it had chocolate covered strawberries. It was yummy!!
Then Jasmine and I spent the afternoon walking through the Torpedo Factory. It was a torpedo factory in the day, then it was converted into Artist Studios, lots of talented people with studios there. Indian for dinner and home. Great day. No big party, don't need that simple enjoyable. Those are the best.
Wednesday we stopped at Starbucks and had ice coffee with a blueberry muffin. Nothing fancy, sat outside for a while, and talked. Then we took a ride to Town Center so I could get my eyebrows threaded (they finally grew back and looked very Sicilian). We stopped in a couple of stores and we saw some outfits I could really rock, but then I looked at the price, and went I don't think so. And they were suppose to be on sale. Leftovers for lunch, Jasmine went to work, and I had the last of my leftovers for dinner.
No exciting adventure, just a simple day.
I'm tired, but that is because when I went to bed tired, I couldn't fall asleep till 1:30, sat up asking myself why I that some days. Then I got up at 5:30.
You see, this was one of those days that was planned as a "long" day. Jasmine's dog Riley had an appointment at 7 AM to be groomed. (OK, now you are asking why I got up at 5:30. Well, I had a head ache, so I got to sit and have coffee and Ibuprofen, then take a shower and get dressed. Hey! My eyelashes grew back!! Woo HOO!). So we decided that after we dropped her off we would go out to breakfast, then stop at Lowe's. (Had a coupon for Ihop, buy one get one free, can't beat that.)
So Riley got dropped off, Jasmine and I had a leisurely breakfast, then went over to Lowe's and I found an umbrella for the patio table that was marked down, and two chairs that matched. So we get two chairs, the umbrella and base. (Yes, it all fit in the car.)
We finish putting it in the car and Riley is done, go pick her up, get home unload the car, put the umbrella up on the table set the chairs up and before we know it, time to go to get my chest xray done before my doctor's appointment today.
The clerk at the imaging center said they were running an hour behind. Great, I need to be at my doctor's at 11:00, it is 10. Well, I need the xray before I go see him so we wait. About 10:40 I call and tell them I am still waiting for the xray, then all of a sudden I am next. Get the xray walk to the doctors office in the next building, and I am on time. All I could think of was I hope the doctor is close to on time because they were having a picnic at work today and I'd like to stop by to see everyone.
The appointment went great. He said he was amazed and thrilled at how well I am doing and I look great. Much better than he thought I would. He asked if I was getting a lot of pain from where the chest was cracked open, and I told him no, it is the incision where you spread my ribs that aches at times, I take Ibuprofen for it. He wanted to be sure I had pain pills. Yes, I have them, just don't like taking them unless I really need them. That seemed to make him happier. (I figure narcotics make you tired and slow you down, so why take them if you can solve the problem with Ibuprofen.) AND THE BEST NEWS, he gave me the go ahead to go back to work part time until the abdominal surgery with Dr. Flynn. It'll be probably two weeks, but hey I'll take it.
We even made the picnic and I got to see some of the folks I work with daily, got lots of hugs too. A couple that were a little tight (tender ribs remember) but that is OK, they were genuinely happy to see me and know I am going to be back to work.
Tomorrow I get to go to the local Goodyear early and have them check the front end of the car again, and get tires. So I'll be up early, make a swing by Starbucks and get a blueberry muffin, and go sit and wait for my car.
Nothing thrilling, didn't win the lottery, just everyday stuff, simple stuff that reminds me how wonderful life can be if you look for the simple things.
Now take a step back, look at your day and pick one small thing that was simple and good.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
The Roller Coaster of Life Continues
Not whining today, although I will admit to being a bit tired. Sleep hasn't been the easiest thing to get. I'll be tired when going to bed, get comfortable and then someone flips a switch and I am wide awake. Two hours later I'll be asleep, then up again in a couple of hours. Never mind the getting up to pee. Did you know that staying hydrated you pee a lot? ALL flipping day and night?
Well there is a third tumor. Found out about it last week. I was stunned to say the least. I could have cried, but didn't. It is on the right side in between the pectoral muscles. Major and minor I think. Kind of tuned that out.
I am a bit apprehensive about this one, in 2003 the sarcoma was on my left hamstring muscle. They removed the hamstring to get the tumor, granted the tumor was larger than a basket ball, but it was attached to the muscle, and I am just not up to maybe losing the pec muscle, major or minor.
But at the moment it is small and doc says he can get it going through the right arm pit, but that will have to wait until after the abdominal surgery, which will be in about two to three weeks.
LOL! A third tumor, my body's birthday present to me.
Life continues and I still deal with day to day things like having the sway bar on the car replaced, and having to get tires. Dealing with the IRS. Arguing with the mechanic that they still haven't taken care of the clunk when you turn the wheel. Oh and getting the plates renewed, and the yearly safety inspection. The repair shop wants me to drop the car off for the clunk and tires, I told them no, it is the only transportation I have and I am not walking back home, so one day I'll show up when they open, and wait. have no choice. Not to mention paying bills, medical and the normal life bills. Digging through past payments to one of the medical places and getting copies of the payments made to prove they are wrong.
Six months ago all that with the car would have been stressing me out more than anyone could imagine, add the IRS to it and I would have needed Valium or something. Now, I just deal with it.
Funny how some things get put into a different light by other things that are happening in life.
So take sometime today, take a deep breath, relax and spend an hour or so doing something you enjoy or find relaxing.
It all boils down to this, shit happens. Sometimes it is a little shit, sometimes it is a lot of shit, sometimes it seems like unending shit, but if you let it the shit will have you ripping your hair out and send you to an early grave.
So vent get it out, let it go, and find time for yourself to recharge. And right now I am going to recharge by sitting on the deck, listening to the birds and sounds of the neighborhood, including the sounds of a functional base doing practice maneuvers. (Yep, the boys on base are playing with the boom booms.)
Well there is a third tumor. Found out about it last week. I was stunned to say the least. I could have cried, but didn't. It is on the right side in between the pectoral muscles. Major and minor I think. Kind of tuned that out.
I am a bit apprehensive about this one, in 2003 the sarcoma was on my left hamstring muscle. They removed the hamstring to get the tumor, granted the tumor was larger than a basket ball, but it was attached to the muscle, and I am just not up to maybe losing the pec muscle, major or minor.
But at the moment it is small and doc says he can get it going through the right arm pit, but that will have to wait until after the abdominal surgery, which will be in about two to three weeks.
LOL! A third tumor, my body's birthday present to me.
Life continues and I still deal with day to day things like having the sway bar on the car replaced, and having to get tires. Dealing with the IRS. Arguing with the mechanic that they still haven't taken care of the clunk when you turn the wheel. Oh and getting the plates renewed, and the yearly safety inspection. The repair shop wants me to drop the car off for the clunk and tires, I told them no, it is the only transportation I have and I am not walking back home, so one day I'll show up when they open, and wait. have no choice. Not to mention paying bills, medical and the normal life bills. Digging through past payments to one of the medical places and getting copies of the payments made to prove they are wrong.
Six months ago all that with the car would have been stressing me out more than anyone could imagine, add the IRS to it and I would have needed Valium or something. Now, I just deal with it.
Funny how some things get put into a different light by other things that are happening in life.
So take sometime today, take a deep breath, relax and spend an hour or so doing something you enjoy or find relaxing.
It all boils down to this, shit happens. Sometimes it is a little shit, sometimes it is a lot of shit, sometimes it seems like unending shit, but if you let it the shit will have you ripping your hair out and send you to an early grave.
So vent get it out, let it go, and find time for yourself to recharge. And right now I am going to recharge by sitting on the deck, listening to the birds and sounds of the neighborhood, including the sounds of a functional base doing practice maneuvers. (Yep, the boys on base are playing with the boom booms.)
Monday, June 13, 2011
TIred, and Please Pass the Cheese to go with the Whine
I'm not sure this post will make it out or not, I'm not sure what to even title it. What I am sure about is I am tired. So very tired of , hospitals, doctors, medicine, pain. Days like today I can feel the tendrils of depression wanting to sink into my head/emotions. Most of it is because I am tired I think.
I don't write these posts to hear how strong I am or how great I am. Or to have people feel sorry for me because of the pain. Pain is a relative thing in reality. You go through the worst pain you have ever felt in your life, and the peg is raised for the next time. Anyone can deal with it and survive. You have to, better to feel pain, fight and triumph than to give up and roll over.
Today I had a visit with my radiation doctor, nice guy. A one month follow up. He is really happy with how I look, and glad that there wasn't a radiation burn. Me too, back in 2003 I had one hell of a radiation burn, turned the back of the leg all purplish and oozed. Burnt all the time too. Oh, here is something I learned then, never use Solarcane or any other sunburn product on a radiation burn. Just bad, bad business.
He acknowledges that I have been through a hell of a lot in the past three weeks, but he said the worst is yet to come. Yes, having 2/3 of a lung removed and going through Thoracic Duct repair was hard, but the main tumor they are still and have been majorly worried about is the one in the abdomen. It is going to be a harder surgery and recovery.
I was hoping for a go in scoop it out and be done with it, not something worse than what has been.
It is going to get worse? I can't sleep laying flat, it hurts to try to get out of bed, hurts to sneeze, cough, I have a right boob so swollen it isn't funny, but the boob is going to apply for it's own zip code. My arms are swollen like kielbasi cooked on a grill and the skin is so stretched that it can't stretch any more, the hands are puff pastries with little fat sausages attached that are suppose to be fingers.
I am tired and achy, so today isn't such a good day, slept like crude last night too, even after taking pain pills, they lasted two hours.
So today I am having an off day because I am tired, and I whined and vented. It helps. Now I will go rot my brain with some TV, and hopefully get some sleep tonight so I can be a wise ass bitch tomorrow.
If you remember anything at all from this, remember cancer is harder on the family and friends, they have to watch, all we patients have to do is survive.
I don't write these posts to hear how strong I am or how great I am. Or to have people feel sorry for me because of the pain. Pain is a relative thing in reality. You go through the worst pain you have ever felt in your life, and the peg is raised for the next time. Anyone can deal with it and survive. You have to, better to feel pain, fight and triumph than to give up and roll over.
Today I had a visit with my radiation doctor, nice guy. A one month follow up. He is really happy with how I look, and glad that there wasn't a radiation burn. Me too, back in 2003 I had one hell of a radiation burn, turned the back of the leg all purplish and oozed. Burnt all the time too. Oh, here is something I learned then, never use Solarcane or any other sunburn product on a radiation burn. Just bad, bad business.
He acknowledges that I have been through a hell of a lot in the past three weeks, but he said the worst is yet to come. Yes, having 2/3 of a lung removed and going through Thoracic Duct repair was hard, but the main tumor they are still and have been majorly worried about is the one in the abdomen. It is going to be a harder surgery and recovery.
I was hoping for a go in scoop it out and be done with it, not something worse than what has been.
It is going to get worse? I can't sleep laying flat, it hurts to try to get out of bed, hurts to sneeze, cough, I have a right boob so swollen it isn't funny, but the boob is going to apply for it's own zip code. My arms are swollen like kielbasi cooked on a grill and the skin is so stretched that it can't stretch any more, the hands are puff pastries with little fat sausages attached that are suppose to be fingers.
I am tired and achy, so today isn't such a good day, slept like crude last night too, even after taking pain pills, they lasted two hours.
So today I am having an off day because I am tired, and I whined and vented. It helps. Now I will go rot my brain with some TV, and hopefully get some sleep tonight so I can be a wise ass bitch tomorrow.
If you remember anything at all from this, remember cancer is harder on the family and friends, they have to watch, all we patients have to do is survive.
Cancer is Harder on Family and Friends
Yes you read that right. Cancer is harder on family and friends. Well think about it, and remember this is MY blog and My point of view, some think I am a bit warped.
But as the Cancer patient all I have to do is deal with the treatment, side effects and surgeries. I can put my energy in to the fight.
Friends and family watch what the cancer does to the patient. The chemo, the poison that is pumped into your body causes nausea, your hair to fall out, immune system to crash, surgeries. They watch that, they want to do something, but really don't know what. I mean, come on, all I got to do is puke, they watch and worry.
They want to do something, but don't know what, they are scared, frightened and don't want to think about the possible negative outcome. No one wants to think about the negative outcome. No one wants to be accepting of death.
So what can they do? Well, one thing is they can find support groups from the various cancer organizations out there, it does help to vent. Ask the doctor's office if they know of any groups, ask the hospitals social worker what is offered for the family support group of the patient.
This shit plays havoc with the patients emotions, it plays even more havoc on the family and friends.
But the most important thing that they can do is be honest with the cancer patient. Don't always try to put on that brave happy face. We see through it. Talk, express your concerns, how you feel, ask them how they feel. You will end up crying together and end up laughing. Expression of those emotions are exhausting, but it does help. Trust me. Try it.
But as the Cancer patient all I have to do is deal with the treatment, side effects and surgeries. I can put my energy in to the fight.
Friends and family watch what the cancer does to the patient. The chemo, the poison that is pumped into your body causes nausea, your hair to fall out, immune system to crash, surgeries. They watch that, they want to do something, but really don't know what. I mean, come on, all I got to do is puke, they watch and worry.
They want to do something, but don't know what, they are scared, frightened and don't want to think about the possible negative outcome. No one wants to think about the negative outcome. No one wants to be accepting of death.
So what can they do? Well, one thing is they can find support groups from the various cancer organizations out there, it does help to vent. Ask the doctor's office if they know of any groups, ask the hospitals social worker what is offered for the family support group of the patient.
This shit plays havoc with the patients emotions, it plays even more havoc on the family and friends.
But the most important thing that they can do is be honest with the cancer patient. Don't always try to put on that brave happy face. We see through it. Talk, express your concerns, how you feel, ask them how they feel. You will end up crying together and end up laughing. Expression of those emotions are exhausting, but it does help. Trust me. Try it.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Second Surgery, Musings and Comfort Food
Well the surgery to fix the Thoracic Duct Leaks went well, it seems they are fixed and I am breathing a bit better, but I never want to go through that pain again. Let me take you on the adventure.
Got a call saying that a surgery was put in front of mine so rather than be at the hospital at 11 AM be there at 12:30. Sure no problem. All the while thinking, sure no problem no water, or food after midnight Tuesday, which means also no tea or coffee so from a minimum time of midnight I can't have anything, and it is those days you always want.
Then I get a call my surgery is back to the "normal" time be at the hospital at 11 AM. Me, I'm still thinking about what I can't have starting at midnight. But 11 is better than 12:30.
I get up Wednesday morning early, but stayed in bed an extra hour or so watching TV, because there really wasn't anything else to do. Got up took a shower, wanted to drink the water coming out of the shower, I felt dry pipes like I hadn't had water in days. Get dressed walk out into the kitchen. I sit down, all I can think of is I feel like I am starving, I want eggs, I want toast, hash browns, all I know is I am starving and I want to eat.
We end up leaving a half hour earlier than we needed to, good thing too as we pull up to the hospital and I am getting out of the car the doctor's office calls, where am I? Out side the hospital you said my time went back to the normal time. I hear, good they are looking for you your time got moved up. Great.
Get to patient admitting, tell her the name is Lee, she looks for the last name of Leek. Can't find it. I say Lee, LEE, she looks for Leek. Let's try this one more time, and I spell it very slowly, L E E. Wow, she finds my paper work and I am escorted to the surgical waiting are, within 3 minutes I am called bad to the area to be weighed and change into the "paper" gown, yep it is paper.
Got to see Jasmine, then the anaesthesiologist came in and told me that Dr. Sherwood wants to do this with an epidural. Thoracic surgery one of the if not the most painful. Have I had them before? Yeah two weeks ago, I was given a drug so I wouldn't remember it, but I remember it because it didn't kick in till after he was done, I remember the scrapping, crunchy noises as the catheter passed through the spine. He promised I wouldn't remember this one, and he was right I don't.
What I DO remember was coming to in the recovery room for a minute feeling OK, and passing back out, came to later and was in intense pain. Seems I had some "issues" with the epidural during surgery. The pain I cam to and felt was indeed the worse pain I had ever felt in my life, topping the labor I had with Jim, and topping the pain I felt back in 2003 while I had to spend a week on my stomach.
While in surgery they used and and when the anaesthesiologist used a small dose of the drug my blood pressure dropped. Now it is normal for a persons blood pressure dropping during the use of an epidural, but mine dropped to systolic rates, so bad they turned it off, pumped me full of fluids, and put me on a drug to raise my blood pressure. (My blood pressure normally runs a bit low but not that low). They started using a drug called duloted on me (not spelled right) it would knock me out for 20 minutes and I'd wake up in intense pain. Jasmine was there trying to talk me through the pain. All I could think of was concentrate on my breathing, keep breathing, but even with that I would ask for help because it hurt so bad.
They got me into ICU and started to slowly get me back on the epidural and watch the blood pressure. Trust me I was so grateful that the intense pain has easing up. But on the up side 24 hours later pain was controlled and I was sent to a regular room.
The thing about being in a regular room is you must sit up and walk, which I do understand it helps with recovery. And I really didn't mind it if it weren't for all the "accessories" I had.
Not only did I have to deal with accessories, but because of all the fluid they used to keep myblood pressure up my hands look like puffed pasteries, and my fingers are fat little sausages. AND the right bood is a D cup while the left is a b/c.
For me to walk they either got a wheel chair or a walker and hung things on them. I had two chest drains (which are the most God awful things to deal with they cause the most discomfort once the pain is controlled) two containers that are collecting the drainage from the chest, one container that is connected to the catheter, oh and let's not forget the IV, and the pain pump. All that made standing something you want to avoid. But we'd do it. And walk in a circle.
The drainage tubes seem to "scrape" and "pull" and since I could feel mine through the back it was impossible to get comfortable to really sleep. I know sleeping and getting rest in a hospital is about impossible.
Oh yeah, the epidural fell out, so they put me on a PCA that fed the pain meds through the IV, which was already burning my vein. Not fun, but with a couple of hits of the pump button the vein numbed and so did the spots where the drains were and some sleep could be found.
They removed a drain Friday, the catheter on Thursday. That helped lots. The drain they removed was the one I could feel along my right shoulder blade. Having a drain yanked out hurts. But the relief you feel afterwards is amazing.
Doc told me to eat fatty food, because it was a fatty substance that was leaking. I am in a hospital, the use I can't believe it is not butter (trust me I can believe it is not butter) so I tell my wonderful daughter to bring me a strawberry shake from Carl's. Fatty comfort food.
The fluids looked good Saturday AM, so I get to go home. The drain is yanked out, paper work is done, pain pill taken for the ride home. By lunchtime I am sitting having a cup of coffee at my dinning room table and Jasmine is making lunch.
The house is quiet, and the smell of the stir fry veggies is wonderful. She brings lunch over and surprise, there are mashed potatoes. Comfort food. Exactly what I needed. I don't know how she knew but I needed mashed potatoes. They were delish! After lunch I took a two hour nap.
I am working on going places and staying moving, Part of me wants to just stay in PJs in the house and the other keeps saying I need to go out because if I let the side that wants to stay in win, I lose.
So there is the story of the week, not well written but at least it got written. Me, I am going to make a small batch of pasta sauce, because tonight we will have baked ziti. Simple, and keeps me active.
Hope your weekend was wonderful.
Got a call saying that a surgery was put in front of mine so rather than be at the hospital at 11 AM be there at 12:30. Sure no problem. All the while thinking, sure no problem no water, or food after midnight Tuesday, which means also no tea or coffee so from a minimum time of midnight I can't have anything, and it is those days you always want.
Then I get a call my surgery is back to the "normal" time be at the hospital at 11 AM. Me, I'm still thinking about what I can't have starting at midnight. But 11 is better than 12:30.
I get up Wednesday morning early, but stayed in bed an extra hour or so watching TV, because there really wasn't anything else to do. Got up took a shower, wanted to drink the water coming out of the shower, I felt dry pipes like I hadn't had water in days. Get dressed walk out into the kitchen. I sit down, all I can think of is I feel like I am starving, I want eggs, I want toast, hash browns, all I know is I am starving and I want to eat.
We end up leaving a half hour earlier than we needed to, good thing too as we pull up to the hospital and I am getting out of the car the doctor's office calls, where am I? Out side the hospital you said my time went back to the normal time. I hear, good they are looking for you your time got moved up. Great.
Get to patient admitting, tell her the name is Lee, she looks for the last name of Leek. Can't find it. I say Lee, LEE, she looks for Leek. Let's try this one more time, and I spell it very slowly, L E E. Wow, she finds my paper work and I am escorted to the surgical waiting are, within 3 minutes I am called bad to the area to be weighed and change into the "paper" gown, yep it is paper.
Got to see Jasmine, then the anaesthesiologist came in and told me that Dr. Sherwood wants to do this with an epidural. Thoracic surgery one of the if not the most painful. Have I had them before? Yeah two weeks ago, I was given a drug so I wouldn't remember it, but I remember it because it didn't kick in till after he was done, I remember the scrapping, crunchy noises as the catheter passed through the spine. He promised I wouldn't remember this one, and he was right I don't.
What I DO remember was coming to in the recovery room for a minute feeling OK, and passing back out, came to later and was in intense pain. Seems I had some "issues" with the epidural during surgery. The pain I cam to and felt was indeed the worse pain I had ever felt in my life, topping the labor I had with Jim, and topping the pain I felt back in 2003 while I had to spend a week on my stomach.
While in surgery they used and and when the anaesthesiologist used a small dose of the drug my blood pressure dropped. Now it is normal for a persons blood pressure dropping during the use of an epidural, but mine dropped to systolic rates, so bad they turned it off, pumped me full of fluids, and put me on a drug to raise my blood pressure. (My blood pressure normally runs a bit low but not that low). They started using a drug called duloted on me (not spelled right) it would knock me out for 20 minutes and I'd wake up in intense pain. Jasmine was there trying to talk me through the pain. All I could think of was concentrate on my breathing, keep breathing, but even with that I would ask for help because it hurt so bad.
They got me into ICU and started to slowly get me back on the epidural and watch the blood pressure. Trust me I was so grateful that the intense pain has easing up. But on the up side 24 hours later pain was controlled and I was sent to a regular room.
The thing about being in a regular room is you must sit up and walk, which I do understand it helps with recovery. And I really didn't mind it if it weren't for all the "accessories" I had.
Not only did I have to deal with accessories, but because of all the fluid they used to keep myblood pressure up my hands look like puffed pasteries, and my fingers are fat little sausages. AND the right bood is a D cup while the left is a b/c.
For me to walk they either got a wheel chair or a walker and hung things on them. I had two chest drains (which are the most God awful things to deal with they cause the most discomfort once the pain is controlled) two containers that are collecting the drainage from the chest, one container that is connected to the catheter, oh and let's not forget the IV, and the pain pump. All that made standing something you want to avoid. But we'd do it. And walk in a circle.
The drainage tubes seem to "scrape" and "pull" and since I could feel mine through the back it was impossible to get comfortable to really sleep. I know sleeping and getting rest in a hospital is about impossible.
Oh yeah, the epidural fell out, so they put me on a PCA that fed the pain meds through the IV, which was already burning my vein. Not fun, but with a couple of hits of the pump button the vein numbed and so did the spots where the drains were and some sleep could be found.
They removed a drain Friday, the catheter on Thursday. That helped lots. The drain they removed was the one I could feel along my right shoulder blade. Having a drain yanked out hurts. But the relief you feel afterwards is amazing.
Doc told me to eat fatty food, because it was a fatty substance that was leaking. I am in a hospital, the use I can't believe it is not butter (trust me I can believe it is not butter) so I tell my wonderful daughter to bring me a strawberry shake from Carl's. Fatty comfort food.
The fluids looked good Saturday AM, so I get to go home. The drain is yanked out, paper work is done, pain pill taken for the ride home. By lunchtime I am sitting having a cup of coffee at my dinning room table and Jasmine is making lunch.
The house is quiet, and the smell of the stir fry veggies is wonderful. She brings lunch over and surprise, there are mashed potatoes. Comfort food. Exactly what I needed. I don't know how she knew but I needed mashed potatoes. They were delish! After lunch I took a two hour nap.
I am working on going places and staying moving, Part of me wants to just stay in PJs in the house and the other keeps saying I need to go out because if I let the side that wants to stay in win, I lose.
So there is the story of the week, not well written but at least it got written. Me, I am going to make a small batch of pasta sauce, because tonight we will have baked ziti. Simple, and keeps me active.
Hope your weekend was wonderful.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Second Chest Surgery in Less than Two Weeks and other Musings
Well, here I am sitting wondering what to do with myself the next few hours. Already balanced the checking account, I could pay the one bill, but I am not going to, it is a doctor’s bill. They can wait a week.
To be honest, I am tired. I find breathing a bit difficult. Like there is something sitting on my chest. I suppose it is filling back up with fluid, even the small ribs on the right side are starting to ache like they did before, a dull pressure related ache.
Yes, I am very tired. Don’t want to take a nap, I am afraid it would interfere with sleeping tonight, although that wouldn’t be anything new, but I have to admit I slept last night, only woke up twice, but I was so exhausted I don’t think my body cared how contorted I was while sleeping. Except I did care when I woke up, joints and muscles ached like I tried to do a marathon or something.
Speaking of marathons, June 11 is Run Amok here at Quantico. It isn’t a marathon; it is a 3.5 mile run through an obstacle course and mud pits. Something I could have walked. I was hoping a group of us from BaseTel would do it, but since I can’t no one is, at least I don’t think anyone else decided to try to organize a group to do it.
God I can’t wait till I can walk without feeling short of breathe again.
My week started off rather interesting. We all know that the doctor sent some of the fluid out to the lab on Friday to make sure where it was coming from. First phone call on Monday morning. “This is Dr. Sherwood’s office; he wants to know if you can come in at 1 PM. He is squeezing you in-between a surgery and another patient.” Yeah, that is one hell of a call to get.
So I show up at 1 and his surgery took longer than expected, only an hour, and to be honest I was surprised, because what he does is some really delicate surgeries. He is an amazing and very likeable doctor.
He looks at me and says you know how I didn’t like the color? That milky color when I pulled those two liters of fluid out of you? (He still sounded amazed at the fact there was two liters of fluid in my chest). It is a Thoracic Duct that is leaking and we need to fix it. It is a nutritional leak. (Something about leaking the fat into my chest. No that isn’t why the right boob is a D cup rather than a B/C.) I kind of didn’t listen to the what type of fat thing. He said they have tried diet to help it heal in other patients but it didn’t work. The diet would be NO fat. You read that right NONE, zip nada, nothing, just what is natural and those choices are the lowest fat you can find. Surgery would be the best and quickest way to solve the problem.
All I could think was “Doc, I am half Sicilian, I have already given up a hamstring, latisimus muscle, 2/3 of a lung, and yet to give up what is in my abdomen to cancer, I am not giving up food that tastes good, especially now since food is FINALLY tasting good. (Although I need to start being careful so I don’t balloon up, it is really easy to do when food goes from tasting and feeling like slime in your mouth to all the wonderful, complex flavors and textures. It is very easy to fall into the “AH my body needs it and go overboard. It all comes down to balance.)
Any way so in less than two weeks I will be going through another surgery, in fact it is tomorrow. I will have a cut that starts on my back goes down along my right side and have my sore ribs spread so he can get in to find and seal the leak. A two to three hour surgery followed by two to three days in the hospital.
The unnerving part is he will be near the diaphragm. Don’t want that damaged. He is a bit concerned because the tumor was so huge and involved it will be like going into a warzone for him. So let’s all pray that his hands are guided so there is no collateral damage.
On the up note, he got excellent margins, so the cancer is out of my chest.
People keep telling me how strong I am. Let me be honest, I am not. I have no choice; I have to deal with it. Besides, I draw strength from the two people in the world I would give anything for. My kids. My son Jim and my daughter Jasmine. Both have been pillars of strength for me, both have given me encouragement when my morale was running low, both have continually let me know they love me and will always love me whether I have1 scar or a million. They love me for me.
So tomorrow, just like the last time I had surgery before they knock me out I will remember how much my kids love me and how much I love them, and how I would go through hell and back for them. And when I wake up I know that I will be greeted by Jasmine’s smiling face and know that Jim would be “concerned” and she would have filled him in. I know he’d be there, but I say that PHD is more important. (Very proud of my kids btw).
So to say I am a strong person isn’t exactly right, I draw my strength from my two wonderful children. I will go under the anesthesia thinking of them and how much they love me and how much I love them, trusting in their love and the love of a greater being to guide the doctor’s hands, and I will wake up, trusting the love of my children.
It is like what Jasmine has been telling me all along, and to be honest I was doing it and not realizing it.
Trust love.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
1 1/3 Lungs and Two Weeks Later
Well, tomorrow it will be two weeks since they took out 2/3 of my right lung. Been meaning to do this for awhile. but when the mood to write strikes, the lap top was either in use or in accessible. Finally figured to hell with it, however this comes out it comes out.
Dr. Sherwood did a great job, they ended up going through the sternum, the tumor was too large for them to do it any other way, and to be honest even though I have a scar you can see unless I wear a turtle neck I am glad they did it that way, I think it was the less painful approach. At least I think I was; either that or I really do have a high tolerance to pain.
I spent five days in the hospital, feeling fairly good, well as good as you could feel being hooked up to a pain pump that was attached to you through an epidural, drain tubes and Foley.
I thought that sleeping would be a problem, but at the hospital and at home the first few nights being propped up on a slight incline seemed to do the number.
While I was in the hospital I started having a problem with my right arm swelling up, and I do mean swelling. To the point it was making the skin in areas of the arm very tender. Oh yeah, and the right boob swelled too. It is bigger than the left now, noticeably. They have no idea why the boob is swelling; they swear they didn’t do anything to it, well other than cut under it.
Anyway back to the arm. Dr. Sherwood decided to put a drain into the front of my chest on the right side just below the collar bone to help with the swelling and hopefully drain the fluid. Numbed me up, and inserted the tube. I didn’t watch because it was in a very awkward spot to try to watch. I know Jasmine seemed fascinated by it, but she ended up not watching because it made her want to pass out. Lots of fluid drained out, and Friday when they pulled the drain tubes (by the way that hurts) the one on the chest was still draining.
I don’t think they thought it would drain like it did, they bandaged it up and told me to leave it for two days and then just take it off, well, the plastic sticky that they put over the gauze could only hold back so much liquid before it started leaking. Trust me there is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night because the front of your shirt is wet.
For three days and nights I ended up using sanitary pads on the drainage spot. SUPER PLUS pads. And they would soak. But at least I figured a way to live through the day without having the front of my shirt soaking wet.
Come on now, no it wasn’t blood; it wasn’t clear red or even pinkish. The fluid was a clear yellowish, reminds me of the fluid that helps form scabs. Yes, I used to pick at my scabs as a kid. All kids do, don’t they?
The opening healed and I am still having issues with the arm swelling, it swells so much that you can touch it and leaves an indentation. Very funny I suppose. And yes the right boob is still swollen; trust me not the way to get a boob job. Very tender.
Any way I started feeling kind of tired and winded, like my lung capacity was reducing instead of improving. I mean when I got out of the hospital I felt good, and figured Jasmine and I could go to the Torpedo Factory (factory that used to make torpedoes now is an artists gallery)but Wednesday when I went to the docs for a follow up and chest x-ray they noticed a buildup of fluid in the chest cavity. I had already known something was up because for the past few nights sleeping was close to impossible. I would get comfortable in some awkward position so I could breathe, sleep for about 30 minutes, then wake up to move around so the muscles stop aching, and find a different way to contort so I can breathe and sleep. There are actually spots I can’t lay because I can’t get enough air into my lung.
It isn’t only getting enough air into the lung, or is it lungs? It is also the Oxygen saturation of the blood, not enough in the blood you don’t have any energy and end up gasping for air. Not fun.
Amazing how we take the simple action of breathing for granted. Going to have to work on getting the lung/s in better shape once I get the you are healed go ahead.
Anyway, I had a fluid buildup in my chest, I mentioned that right? So Friday morning I was at the doctor’s office to have the fluid drained. He numbed a spot in my back and inserted a needle into the chest cavity and started draining it off.
Two liters of fluid. I heard a shock in his voice when he asked the nurse to get something else to pour this into. I don’t think he expected there to be that much fluid.
It was a pinkish/milky fluid. He thinks that there may be some damage to a thoracic lymph node, even though they weren’t working near them that could be causing the milky color. They sent some of the fluid out to the lab to find out.If it is a problem with a node, then another surgery will fix it.
I guess it is fairly common for the chest to fill with a fluid after this type of surgery at least once, but not the color/opacity like I had. What happens happens, if I need it to be fixed it will be fixed.
Right now I do have issues breathing, which makes me wonder if the chest cavity isn’t filling again, but not the same positions give relief, so I have no idea what is going on. I do know the more humid it is the more thick the air feels and makes it seem a bit more difficult.
Any way you look at it, I have to find a way to adapt to the changes in my body, and accept them, to find a way to overcome them so to speak. I can’t let them run me.
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