First when my daughter Jasmine and I were sitting in his office he asks if they told me about the CAT scan results. My reply was not for the lung. He says, the tumor in the lung did not respond to the chemo. My reply, Huh, I guess they decided to let you deliver that bad news. His reply, it is a BIG tumor.
Yes, I am looking forward to it, and yet I'm not, at least for the moment.
Why am I not looking forward to it? Let's just say I wish the doctor would have gone over some of the potential downsides when I first talked to him back in February, I think it was February.
He told me how they would go in, starting the incision on my back, right side, under the arm and ending up on the side/front, under the breast tissue. Well now there is a possibility that if they start that approach it won't work and they will have to go in from the front of the chest. Either way a rib will be broken and ribs spread so they can get access to the lung.
They will start with the cut on the back approach first, but if that doesn't work, I'll end up with two lovely scars.
So what other things are there a potential of? Let's see. Damage to the voice. Great, I work at BaseTel, I talk on the phone, let's just fuck up my job.
Damage to the nerve that affects the diaphragm, which may make it more difficult to breath. Oh, if it is too difficult they can do another surgery! They go in and tighten up the diaphragm. In seventh grade I had a Home Economics (Cooking) teacher that had problems with talking and breathing, assuming she had problems with her lung, she'd say a few words then a deep breath, say a few more, again a deep breath. I like being able to talk the way I do. Let's hope it stays that way.
Possible damage to the Vena Cava (spelled wrong most likely) main artery from the heart. There is a possibility it may be damaged and have to be rebuilt. Rebuilt is not a good thing in my book. Opens a whole can of other worms.
More susceptible to pneumonia. Yeah great, I work where the guys HAVE to show up sick.
There are several more, but by the time he got to them all I was hearing was blah blah blah. All I could think was how could you not tell me this stuff way back when to give me time to digest it all. Ten days away from surgery and you tell me? WTF? Don't you think it takes time for a person to deal and digest all that?
Then I had to sign a paper that listed the procedure name, and the possible other damages and he said one of my options was to do nothing. Since when was doing nothing an option for me? I don't have that option. First off, um it is cancer, it WILL kill me, second they will not do the abdominal surgery until the lung surgery is done because of where in the lung the tumor is and it is leaning against the heart. So please tell me when was not doing a surgery that can really fuck me up not an option? Seriously when?
In 2003 when I went through cancer I had 12 or 13 surgeries, was resuscitated on the OR table, had the hamstring on the left leg removed, had the right latisimus muscle moved from my back to my leg to protect the bone and nerves, other than that it doesn't work as a muscle. Several skin grafts because they kept failing. None of that bothered me or even scared me.
Life finally has handed me something that frightened me. They are going to open up my body and mess with internal organs. They are literally going to have a machine breath for me while they dice my lung. I am going to be put further in debt because it too to add insult to injury. Yeah I am frightened and I think I have every right to be.
I just wish the dumb shit would have told me this stuff way back when; I'd be in a better space in my head if he did.
Too many times they don't want to deliver potentially bad news. Cowards! Not everyone is as strong as you are and people generally fall apart. Then, of course, they don't have to deal with the repercussions of the news they give. I'm praying for you. Keep fighting and show that jerk what you're made of. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteSandra
Jean, my mother in law had her lung removed when she was 18 due to TB. She is now 71 years old, smokes like a chimney. This is back in the day when dinosaurs were doing the surgeries, so I'm sure with all the technologies they have today, everything is going to turn out fine. Wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteVicki aka FerretFanatic
Thanks for doing this blog. You need to say it and we need to hear it. You know I don't say pretend things just to 'make nice'. So I won't say 'Oh, you'll be fine.' Even if it all turns out well, this mess will never be 'fine'. But I'll be here with you to cry, to make sick, dark humor in the middle of the tears, and to give you a shoulder to cry on or to beat the crap out of if you need something to hit along the way.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how this turns out, whether you live through it or if you get to go be with Trouble (who will patiently wait no matter when it is that you get to him), I'll be here with you.
Go kick some cancer butt!
Jean! Good Luck. My guitarist Chris (The shorter one, my size)had a back injury which partially paralized his diaphragm. He now has one functioning lung, due to that. He sings like a bird, no ill affects on voice. One ray of hope!
ReplyDeleteHe does get out of breath, obviously, under phys stress. Does have some junk appear in lungs on occasion. I does come out. Yeccch! you are in the thoughts and prayers of every one of your friends. Don't give up. You're a Railroader and you're strong.