The Four Emotional Stages of Terminal Cancer

Well, some people may say there are more, but I believe there are four major stages.

Stage I - Devastation & Anger

Your world is on fire and there is nothing you can do

No one wants to hear the words you have cancer.  Honestly.  No one.  There is less than no one that wants to hear the words you are terminal.  Although, come to think of it, I am not sure they word it that way today.

I am going to be honest here.  I didn't go through this stage; well, at least the devastation part.  I had actually expected to hear it.  When you are diagnoised for the sixth time and they tell you that all they could do was de-bulk the tumors, you sort of know.  But I will admit, when one doctor slipped and said "I encourage all my terminal patients to go do what they want."  I thought, well damn it is about time someone said something.

During this stage you grieve for your life.  You grieve for those you will leave behind.  You grieve because you don't want to cause anyone pain.  You grieve for the things you want to do but won't be able to.

The devastation slowly turns to anger, and for some it boils red hot.  You're angry about cancer interfering with your life, your plans.  Basically it just came in and F**ked up your world.

After being red hot angry, you start to funnel all that negative anger into the next stage, well hopefully you do.

I actually forgot about the anger part and had to do an edit to add it.  Anger is such a negative feeling and it really doesn't help.  Yes, I went through the anger.  How dare cancer come back again and again to interfere with my life?

When I am feeling angry, I try to funnel the anger into Stage II.

You don your shiny armor and brave face

Stage II - Fight to Win
During this stage you put on your shining armor and proclaim to the world you will fight this monster and you will beat it.

You gather your troops, your family and friends.  They cheer you on.  They even help you do things you have only dreamed of.  They watch you with pride and admiration.

You laugh at the cancer, knowing that you are greater than it.

You are proud to set the example of being brave in the face of death.

In reality this stage can be exhausting.




Stage III - Acceptance

In this stage your armor is beat up a bit, lots of dings, you've been through chemo, maybe even radiation and surgery.

You start to accept and come to terms with your mortality.  You start to encourage people to do things, make memories.  Don't give things as gifts, give experiences and memories.  Memories last forever.

You realize how precious the little things are.  You even work on the bucket list.  Maybe even with a vengeance.  That way you have memories.  You take whoever you can on the journeys so they have the memories too.

You  notice your friends may not be around much, not that they don't want to be but they have lives of their own and you seem to be doing well.

You haven't given up, and you fight, but you start really living life like you should have all along.

Stage IV - Exhaustion - Isolationism

You are tired before you even start

Your armor is pretty damaged here.  You've been through hell and back.  In the beginning of this you start to pull back from people.  You don't want to have them hurting when you die.  Gradually you pull back till there is no one around or very, very few.

You try to protect others by isolating yourself.

Add to that the emotional, mental and physical exhaustion of doctors appointments, scans, blood tests, chemo, radiation, even counseling for some.

In the back of your mind you think, how much longer?  How long to I have to act like everything is fine, that I am ok.  How much longer before the chemo doesn't work, how much longer before I end up in the hospital.

You feel like your whole life has become cancer.  Everything you do or plan revolves around it. It is emotionally and physically exhausting.  It is depressing.

Depression really rears its ugly head here.  It feeds the negative feelings, the negative feelings feed the depression.  It is a vicious cycle.

You convince yourself it is for everyone's best

This is the stage you need help the most, but most people don't realize it happens.  They always believe the brave face, and miss the little things that give it away.

How can you help prevent them from isolating?  Get involved, go for coffee - don't take no for an answer.  Don't let the person be alone all of the time.  24/7 alone in ones head can cause some reall messes.  Pick up the phone.  Trust me at this stage they aren't picking the phone up to call anyone if they can avoid it.

Do something to let them know that they haven't been forgotten.

I know communication goes both ways but when you are in this stage it isn't easy to admit it, and harder yet to ask for help.

Hell, I can't say anything about asking for help.  It is the hardest thing in the world for me to do so I just keep my mouth shut other than when I whine in my journal or blog.

Some people will go back and forth between Stage III - Acceptance and Stage IV - Exhaustion/Isolationism.

I've just spent a long time in Stage IV.  I am working to bring myself out of it.  I am trying to reach

You hide your feelings

out and socialize more.  It isn't easy.  But I am working on it.

I am also working on the asking for help thing.  Not doing so well with that.  I am blessed to have a couple of friends that see my red flags,  and family that does too.

Just remember, there is no time limit to any one of these stages.  A person can experience all four in one day, or different ones on different days.  You can experience them in different orders.

There is no hard fast rule to this, well, maybe there is one.  It is an emotional rollercoaster.

It is a rollercoaster we do not want to ride but have no choice.

It is a rollercoaster we ride and unfortunately we need our family and friends to ride it with us on occasion to make it possible to keep fighting.

Just remember, our caregivers go through this too.  It is really hard on them.  They don't know what to do and if we don't communicate, they feel helpless and lost.  Just as much as we do.

Cancer is hard on us, but it is just as hard on family and friends.  They want to fix us, to make us better and healthy, but they can't.

Being able to communicate is the key.  So if they push to help, don't be angry, be grateful.  Let them help.  Don't be hard headed.  Learn to ask for help.

Always, always be kind to yourself.

The Most Asked Question - How do you do it?

I'm not sure that today is the best day to be writing this; but the words are rolling around in my head and I can get on the laptop to put them into "print."  The reason I say that is I am not in the best of head spaces at the moment, but maybe that is not so bad.  It means a glimpse into the other side.

I don't know how I do it.  Part of it is guilt.  Does that surprise you?  Yes guilt.  I feel that I would be abandoning the people I love.  Abandoning my son and daughter, my sisters, my friends.  I feel the guilt because I can imagine the sadness that my death would bring them.  I do not want people I love to feel sad because of me.

Here is the other side of the guilt.  I feel guilty for still being around when so many that have been diagnosed after me had passed on.  Survivor's guilt they call it.  It sucks.  I've lost too many people to cancer.  Waiting for it to take me is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How do I do it?  I don't know.  I am tired.  I  may have mentioned it before in a post.  But I am tired of cancer.

Once was enough, 2003 was more than enough, but no for some reason I drew the lucky number in the cancer lottery.  2011 was awful.  I lost 2/3 of my right lung that year, and part of my intestines.  Spent three quarters of the year doing chemo, surgery, and being hospitalized.  Even lost a portion of my right pectoral muscle that year.  That was the year the earthquake hit Virginia.  I was in the hospital when it hit.  Then 2013, 2014, twice in 2016.

The first time in 2016 was May.  Tumor in the lung showed up.  Surgery, they got good margins, no chemo.  Then again in November.  I started feeling like I couldn't breath because of bronchitis or walking pneumonia.  Finally went to the ER.  Boy was I wrong.  Surgery was scheduled right before Christmas.  I thought they would just go in remove the tumors, but no, all they could do was drain the lung and debulk the tumors.  They are in my left lung, on the sack of the heart, in the lymph nodes, on the Vena Cava, and aorta.  Surgery really isn't an option anymore.

So yeah, I am tired.  I am tired of the trips to the doctor's office and his smiling face, telling me how great I am doing even though they really can't do anything for the cancer other than try to keep it from spreading, which really has been proven fruitless.  Eight months on a chemo and it spreads.  Since January 2017 I have been on three different chemo drugs.

I am tired of the blood draws, the CT scans, waiting for the reports.  I am tired of them trying to make everything sound so up.  Just be straight with me.  Did it spread?  Yes or no?  What is the next drug?  Just tell me.

Right now they are trying to give me quality of life rather than quantity.

The chemo I am on, Votrient, is the easiest chemo I've been on.  So far my side effects have been nausea, some fatigue, some shortness of breath, and my hair changing from dark brown to varying shades of silver and grey.  Salt and pepper.

I am tired of having to remember to take poison every morning.  800 mg of it.  Yeah, my breakfast is 800 mg of Votrient and water.  I have to wait about 15 minutes before I can have my first cup of coffee.

I am tired of feeling weak.  The Yolandis that I was on caused major breathing issues, so my physical activity was limited.  Kind of hard to want to do something physical when you can't breath.  Now on the Votrient the breathing issues are still there, but improved 100%.  I need to start working out to get into better shape, but I need motivation.

I am tired of feeling like I am a drain on my family and friends.

I am tired of worrying about co payments, taking meds, fighting the bills that were supposed to be covered.  Tired of worrying about gap insurance now I am on Medicare.

Did you know that insurance companies can pick and choose the areas (counties) they want to cover?  They don't have to offer gap insurance to everyone?  If I were 65 I'd have plans available.  Since I am not there is only one plan for people under 65 on disability, and they don't cover my area.  Medicaid is out because they said I am $200 over their cap on qualifying.  So now I have the 20% to cover that Medicare doesn't.  Grateful they cover 80% of the doctor's and hospital, but, yeah, I'm tired of worrying about that.

I am so tired of needles and blood draws, and reading then rereading the reports.

I am tired of feeling like if I show any weakness people will think less of me.  I am tired of feeling like I whine.

My daughter Jasmine, my dog Sasha, me, my dog Bailey

I am tired of the isolation.  I feel alone.  The days are all filled with the same thing.  I try to motivate, but it is really hard some days.  Yes, there are days I just go back to bed.  There are some days that I don't want to get up, but my dogs remind me that they are my responsibility and I have to take care of them because they love me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't wallow in pity.  I am working on socializing more.  I volunteer twice a week at Mary Washington.  One day for three hours we sew cough pillows for patients.  And the other day I volunteer I work in the Gift Shop.  I also go to "Meet up" things, there is a group of single people 50 and over that meet up and I try to go once a month.  I need to make more friends locally to have coffee with and talk to.  Like I said, I am working on it.

I am so tired of feeling like I am in white water rapids being rushed down the river with no hope.

How do I do it?  I don't know.  I journal.  Everyday.  Even if all I do is write down that I feel like crap.  I try to write something down every day to get it out.

I write this blog, yes, I don't write often, and it may not get read much, but with it I am trying to show my inner feelings and frustrations, so it is an outlet.  I actually end up feeling better by the time it is published.

How do I do it?  In my heart I know that my family and friends are there.

An update on the Lowe's job.  I emailed my supervisor about my concerns when it came to the customer service, and my inability to lift the 5 gallon buckets, and my limit to 15 hours a week.  Along with the concern of being scheduled three 8 hour days in a row.  (Down stocking and fronting on a four hour shift exhausted me, and I was honest with them in the interview I am not in shape, and I need to work on stamina).  After not hearing any response for five days, I figured that maybe I should work on getting in better shape before I try working there.  So I resigned.  I really didn't feel comfortable my concerns were not address.

I haven't given up looking for a part time job either.  There is something out there that can help me financially, physically and yes, mentally.

Thanks for reading this, I am in a better head space now.  Time to go have some breakfast and vacuum.

Hearing "You have cancer", and a Burning Question at the End of this.

To be honest I laugh about it now, and to be honest, I laughed about it then too.  Then is the first time I was told I had cancer back in 2003.  Come to think of it, every time they told me it was back, didn't freak out either.  I don't think that is normal.  Could I be off my rocker?  Well, I don't own a rocker so yeah, I could be.  But I don't think so.

I mean really, in reality I already knew.  A lump on the back of my left thigh grew from a golf ball size to about a cantaloupe well, it is kinda obvious.  Then having the manager of the store you are working at notice your leg because the left pant leg was getting tighter on the thigh helped, she actually threatened me!!  She told me if I didn't go see a doctor the next morning (I worked 2nd shift) I shouldn't bother coming in until I saw a doctor and had a note from them!

Well, me being me, and just getting insurance, I got my fat butt to the Urgent Care on York Road.  They told me put one of those wonderful gowns on, and when the doctor came in she asks, in a rather bored, condescending tone - "What is the matter?  How can I help you?" I just stood up and showed her the left thigh, OMG, when I turned around I was looking in a mirror, and her face just dropped. "You need a specialist.  We will find one in your network and make the appointment for you as soon as possible."  Well, if that doesn't all that doesn't give you a clue nothing will.

No, I didn't cry or scream or ask "why me", each time I asked, "OK, what are we going to do, when do we start, don't sugar coat crap, and be honest.  I don't need the kid gloves treatment."

Luckily, all of the doctors I have and had understand where I am coming from.  I have no idea where I get my tenacity or strength as some people call it from.

Don't get me wrong, chemo is awful.  Even the "milder" chemo that people can take orally have side effects.  The antibody chemo I was on gave me 5 or 6 days of exhaustion right off the bat, killed the taste buds, nausea.  Still killed the bone marrow so red blood cell production was down,  white cell too.  Never mind it let the cancer spread.

The current chemo Yolandis (from the sea sponge) is every three weeks, and it takes a week to 10 fays to get back to an "almost" normal.  Side effects that get to me are rapid heart beat, like a pounding in your chest when you do just about anything, and interferes with breathing.  Sucks having sound like I ran a mile just walking up a set of stairs.

Right now I feel great.  My doctor changed my schedule to every 6 weeks rather than every 3.  Mainly just for the summer so I can enjoy as much of it as possible, and stay out of the hospital.  Though those two pints of blood may have just helped my system out a bit too.

Radiation in 2003 sucked a$$.  The burn on the back of my leg was purple, oozed, and burned.  I learned the hard way that Solarcaine does nothing but make the burn worse on radiation burns.  Trust me.

I dreaded having to get radiation in 2011 because it was on the sternum, bra and the such rubbing a radiation burn.  Guess what?  They improved how radiation is given and they can pinpoint it now.  My burn was the size of a dime!!

A challenge has been given me several times, and my response is "I will not go quietly into the night."

Now here is the oddity for me.  Whenever I have cancer, my nails grow.  I mean nails I can put polish on and have people compliment.  I do house work and do not baby my hands, but I have nails!  Every time I had cancer, my nails are awesome till I get tired of them and cut them off and they grown right back.

So why do my nails grow so well when I am given such nasty drugs?  And why when I am healthy, not on chemo are my nails always breaking off or not growing?

I mean really!!

The Story of a Tattoo

Phoenix in process by Robert V. Black Dragon Tattoo, Urban Md

I was chatting on the phone last night with a friend (yes, me on the phone AFTER work! Amazing isn't it?) She asked me a very good question, (this isn't her exact words but hopefully close)  Why would you get cancer tattooed on you?  What about all the prayers and family and friends that helped and supported?  Aren't you throwing it back in God's face by doing that?  All very valid questions, and to be honest, questions the tattoo is supposed to spark.  Not only those questions, but questions about cancer, dealing with it, helping someone who is going through it, what it is like to survive it.

For me, tattoos are very personal, not only the image, but the placement too.  If I wear a polo shirt or a 3/4 sleeve shirt, 98% of it is covered.  Just a bit of color peaks out, which can pull questions out of people.    They represent a multi layered story.  They are part of my life.  Each one has multiple layers of meaning behind it.  The only way to know why I have it is to ask, and be willing to listen and try to understand from my point of view, not yours.

So, why this one?  Why say Fuck Cancer, I beat it IIII times?  Because beating cancer is a multi layered thing to me.  And to me beating it is not the same as defeating it.

On the most obvious level, I beat it physically, with the help of my family, friends, and prayers.  Many, many prayers and candles being lit.  Many prayers by those of all faiths.  Christian, Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan.  Each and every one greatly appreciated, and have touched me in more ways than the reader can understand.

On a less obvious level, I wanted something to look at to remind me of that.  Every time I look at my tattoo, I remember, and I give thinks for my family and friends.   About now you are asking yourself, "Why would you need something to remind yourself of that experience?"  Because, I am human.  Being human, things can become just a part of the background.  Part of the memory bank that gets visited once in awhile. 

How can you forget that experience you ask?  You don't forget it, not in reality, it is always there, but you can become compliant in the fact it is in the past, and fall into old ways.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to take life, and the support of friends and family for granted.

Another level, I want to encourage people to ask questions.  It already has. I was at a coffee shop reading my Kindle (love my Kindle, but the battery isn't holding the charge as long).  Yes, I had the sleeve rolled up, just put lotion on it.  A young woman came up and commented on it, then started talking to me about cancer, she was just diagnosed with  Stage I breast cancer and she was scared.   We chatted for awhile, I listened to her, and when she got up to leave, she felt better, and decided that she was going to get involved with a  support group for breast cancer patients/survivors.

Another layer, and this is one that is very personal, and no matter how many prayers and help I have received from my family and friends, I had to deal with on my own.  No one on this earth can help you deal with your own mortality and the fact that cancer is a very intricate part of my life. 

You see, because of the type of cancer I get/have it isn't a matter of if it comes back, it is a matter of when.  I have to accept it, I have to embrace it.  Cancer is a part of me.  Cancer and I will dance through the rest of my life.  Cancer and I will box, go round and round with it. 

I didn't defeat Cancer, but I beat is so far in four rounds.

No one wants to die.  Me included.  There is way too much out there to see and do.  I have accepted my permanent dance with cancer. 

So every time I see that tattoo, I remember that fearing what maybe is stealing what can be.  Stealing my joy, stealing my life.

Look, like I said I am human.  Yes, I need reminders.  Winter especially.  I hate winter.  I tend not to go out in the cold.  I don't like it one bit.  I miss the sun, I miss the heat of the sun.  The leaves on the tree.  It is very easy to start to forget things when it is cold, dark and depressing outside.  It is very easy to just sit with a warm blanket, books, hot chocolate, and let life pass me by.  Not do a thing.  I don't want to fall into that.  Although once in awhile I will admit to it.

My tattoo wasn't something I did on the spur of the moment.  I thought long and hard about what I wanted and what it would say.  Even after I found the right tattoo artist to do the piece.  I thought long and hard.  After talking to my son, and finding that he thought it was a good idea, I talked to the artist and saw the design and knew that, yes, this was the right thing for me.

So no it wasn't vanity, hubris, or ego.  I'm not spitting in fate/s face and being defiant.  But the opposite.  A reminder to humble and to be grateful, for without many, many things that cannot be listed but are represented in the tattoo, I would not have be able to rise from the ashes and continue to be who I have become.

Make sense?

Phoenix by Robert , Black Dragon Tattoo, Uraban, Md

A Whore's bath, and My Hair is in the Sink.

First, let me get something off my chest.  It drives be nucking futs when people refer to either a male or female that has a different viewpoint of sex as a "hoe".  A hoe is a piece of gardening equipment, not a person with questionable sexual behaviors.

For the record, I believe that both males and females can qualify as a whore, it is not a gender specific thing.

Now that is out of my systems, let's get down to the different types of "Whore Baths".  Yes, there are a few, at least the way I look at things, and I will define each (don't worry I'm going somewhere with this).

There is what I would define as the "quickie" whore bath, which I swear more females do, why else would a woman walk out of the house stinking of perfume?  A "quickie" whore bath is when a female grabs a wash cloth, hopefully with some soap, washes her face, gives the netherworld a quick wipe or two, sprays a shit ton of perfume on, put on the make up and out the door. 

Now why do I say that it seems lots of females do this?  Just stand in line at a Starbucks in the AM, or the grocery, or just about any where.  You smell the perfume before they walk in the flipping door!!  Burns the eyes and nose. 

Ladies, that is not attractive!!  That does not make the male of the species want to get any closer to you than he would want to get to a stinking pile of steaming elephant dung.

One spray in the air, walk into it.  A light barely there scent that is attractive.  You don't have to smell it trust me it is there and others will.  It will make you more attractive.

Second type of "Whore's" Bath.  A tub full of hot water, a bar of soap, and a wash cloth.  Dip the washcloth into the tub or basin, soap it up, wash your body, dipping and rinsing and soaping with the dirty water in your tub as you go along, consequently spreading dirty soap scum water all over.  Yeah, not pleasant.

The third type of "Whore's" Bath is the microwaved, pre packaged deodorant wash clothes.  They come with eight or ten in a bag.  The instructions actually break down how to uses them.  One for your face and neck, one for your right arm and hand, one for the left, and so on.  They make sure there are two for the netherworld.  One front and one back.  But at least you feel refreshed, and your skin doesn't feel like ten layers of it was removed with the soap.

The third type of "Whore's Bath" is what I get to experience.  You see, I am hooked up to the pump, and they have a portable heart monitor on me.  In order to get a shower, I have to be disconnected from everything, and that requires a doctor's order.  Yeah, you read it, a doctor's order.

The down side of showering here is the soap.  It dries every inch of you up.  So, I'm going to pack a "Just in case Jean goes to the Hospital" Bag.  And in it make sure I have my soap, shampoo, and things that keep my skin feeling normal rather than like something stretched too thin.

So I get my "Whore's Bath" today, and when I was done I decided to use the shampoo in the little kit to wash my hair.  My head and neck have felt like the muscles are wound tighter than an over wound watch.  So I stick my head in the sink, turn the hot water on, and it felt like heaven.  I could feel the muscles starting to give a little.  So I soap up my hair, and it starts coming out in hand fulls.  I clean out the sink, and keep running the water over my head and neck, and rubbing the hair, and it keeps coming out in hand fulls.

LOTS of hair came out.  I now am sporting the splotchy bald patch look which I hate, so when I go home, which maybe tomorrow, I want to stop at a barber.  I can't walk around like this.

Oh, the Telemetry people contacted my nurse and told him my hear rate went up and is still up, so they sent him to check, and there I am drying the splotchy head.

"That is why your heart rate is up!"  Me: "Yep.  But I'm done for now."  "How long have you been washing your hair?"  Me: "About twenty minutes, I have a lot of hair to come out."  "I'll tell them."  Me: "OKAY DOKAY".

Yes, the sink was full of my hair and I had to clean it out twice.  Yes the sink was nice and clean when it was needed next.

No Lemon Slices for the Tea, and a moment of your time please

Nope, can't have any fresh fruit, or veggies.  So basically it all has to be nuked, cooked and dead.

I can't stand the coffee here, so I switch to tea with lemon.  Yeah no lemon.  Huh.  But they do have Mandarin Orange Slices on the menu, every time I ask for them I hear, you are not allowed fresh fruits or vegetables, I say they aren't fresh, they are canned.  They check and I get my Mandarin Oranges.

Now, I like them but it isn't so much so I can have the orange slices, it is so I can pour the syrup into the tea, which helps make it a little more tolerable since I can't have my lemon.  Yeah, I eat the oranges too.

Not sure exactly when I will get out of here, the infectious disease doctor thinks I may be able to go home soon, (he didn't define soon) but I'd have to be on antibiotics.  He was thinking oral, but since I have a port, he is of the IV preference.  Yeah, IV antibiotics at home, but he also said something about keeping me till Friday, he would talk to Dr. King and Vaughn.  Friday?? Is he out of his freaking mind?  But I am still waiting to hear from the surgeon and Dr. Vaughn.  And the consensus of the platelet issue. Hurry up and wait.

Now, I'd like to ask a huge favor from everyone.  My kid sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The doctor said it was early, which is a good thing.  She is terrified. The final diagnosis of the type won't be back until the biopsy comes back Friday.  He told her she would probably do surgery, radiation, but nothing is solid yet.  She is on her way to another doctor's appointment right now, she'll call me when she gets done.

I can't explain why cancer doesn't frighten me.  I don't know  how to explain it.  I know the word frightens her.

So if you would please, light a candle for her, say a prayer, send her healing thoughts.  She needs the strength.  She is scared.  Right now she is my bratty little sister who used to be a real pain at times, but she is scared and moral support is what she needs.

And if you know of any breast cancer links for help, support, whatever, I will be happy to pass them along.

Reflections on 2011

Well, it is 6 PM on New Year’s Eve, the dogs just finished their dinner, the house is very quiet, Jasmine is at work at the Log Cabin, Jim left to go out with some of his friends, Michelle and Evelyn went to church in their PJs.  OMG PJs!!

Here I sit, and have the urge to write.  But what to write about? I look back over the past year and I do not wish any of it changed.  Yes, it was a challenge; I think more of a challenge to those around me than to myself.

I have to admit, last New Year’s Eve I wasn’t even thinking that I’d be spending 2011 dealing with cancer and surgeries, hell, I was just hoping to get through the year with positive balance in my savings account.  (And yes I did that!  I have thirty-five cents in my savings account, isn’t much, but it is a positive!)

Last year I may have even thought I might have a date on New Year’s Eve, but life had something different in mind for me. 

Life doesn’t give you what you want, but it gives you what you need.  Sometimes I have to disagree with that statement. 

The reason being, a dear friend of mine lost her son in Afghanistan.  What mother needs that grief?  My heart breaks for her; she has faced the loss of her son with honor and dignity.  She has brought honor to his memory.  She is an incredibly awesome woman.

But when it comes to me, it seems that saying works.  The lessons it brings me aren’t always the easiest to take, and sometimes I wish that it would just bring me what I want (think winning lottery ticket and being a philanthropist).  But it is what it is.

In 2003 life brought me cancer, a time in my life when I really thought that the human race was comprised of two kinds of people, those who loved their pets and those who thought they were disposable, and those who would say what they thought you’d like to hear but not mean a word of it.  To be honest my heart was in a very dark place.

Back then it taught me that not everyone was like that, that there were people to genuinely care and wanted to help, and it taught me I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.

2011 I needed lessons again; at least life saw it that way.  But I don’t think I learned anything new, it just reaffirmed things I already knew.

I already knew I worked with the best bunch of people you could wish for, I mean how many people that YOU work with would shave their heads to show support and that they care?  Seriously.  You have no idea how that touched my heart.

My daughter chose to leave her life in California to be here with me, no one will know what that means to me, and I watched her grow as a woman.  She has been blossoming and becoming the woman and artist I always knew she was.

My son is working on his PHD.  And I am so proud of him, but nothing in the world can describe how I felt when he told me he was proud of me.  I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much that meant to me.

All of my friends with their cards and notes of support, letting me know that they were thinking of me, and my sister Carol with her bracelet campaign, and the notes and packages from Addie.

Yeah some of it was a bit rough, even gave the doctors a scare, but I survived it.  Got the scars to prove it.  Five surgeries this year.  Lost 2/3 of my right lung, two feet of intestine with two tumors, part of the right pectoral muscle and main nerve to the arm, but it was all worth it.  I am alive and I have a wonderful family and a great bunch of friends.

So, I may not be out to a fancy party with a date to ring in the New Year, but I am content in knowing that I have family and friends who love and are there for me.

Happy New Year everyone, May the New Year bring you health, happiness, prosperity and all that your heart desires.

Huh, maybe next year I'll have a date. ROTFLMAO!!

Two more weeks of Radiation, Port goes back in then Chemo

Yeah I know, been awhile.

Well, I have two, well, actually two and a half weeks of radiation left.  At a higher dose of radiation too. 

The skin in the area of radiation is a bit tender, feels drier, and looks redder and scratchy/dry.  What is the real pain in the butt is the fact that not only do I have the little "tattoo" dots, but they also mark around the  dots with Sharpie, black sharpie, and make an "x" on the center of the spot of radiation as well as draw a circle around it. 

Sounds funny doesn't it?  This wonderful technological treatment, has use of a black Sharpie marker to line up the area for treatment.  That really isn't so bad, but the fact that the damn marker rubs off on your clothes is a pain in the ass.

That stuff doesn't wash out, and I really don't have that many clothes that fit right now!  Beige, white bra's, the strap is turning black.  (Remember the area being radiated is under the right clavicle bone - collar bone).

Oh yeah, and the black circle they draw shows unless I am wearing a high neck shirt, even a modest scope neck makes it look like I drew lines on myself in Sharpie.  Seriously.  And yes, I catch people looking at the black lines.   They get all embarrassed when I say, yes, that is a black marker line.  My technicians like to draw circles and x's.  Of course they don't know I mean the radiation techs. Not the phone techs.

Get to see Doctor Flynn the 27th.  I can tell you already about the whole appointment, we'll discuss the up coming "procedure" - getting a new port put back in on the 4th of November.  How I am doing, which really is fine other than a bit of tenderness.  My ability to find great bargains.  (Found a Ralph Lauren purse at the Good Will for $0.83, yes eighty three cents, and a Prada - for real one - for $3.99).  He'll also tell me I will need to go for a CT scan of the main portion of my body to make sure the cancer is all at bay, and he will be a bit concerned about the tenderness in the abdominal area.  Then I'll go for blood tests, and what ever pre surgery thing I need to.  Get my port on the fourth and start chemo on the 7th.

Doctor Vaughn, oncologist, is going to try to give me less of a dose of the chemo meds this time around considering how I reacted last time.  He'd like to keep me out of the hospital.  If I don't react well, I'll end up having to be hospitalized for chemo treatments.  Four days in and a week out.  Not something I would look forward too, but I did that routine in 2003 and survived, so I can do it again if I have to.

The biggest thing I was worried about was a wedding cake I wanted to do for a gift for Kristen and John Q.  And it got done,  and they liked both the Bridal and Groom's cake.  I was worried about it when they said I had to do chemo again.  If they had started chemo first I wouldn't have been able to do it, but the doctors listened to me and my bitching about I really needed to do this and it meant a lot to me.  So I won.  :D

Any who, here are some pictures of my hobby.

Wedding Cake

Groom's Cake

Cupcakes for the Bride's Sister

Going Away Cake for Sgt. Dean

Baby Shower Cake for Debbie

August 23rd, has come and gone. Chemo and Radiation ahead

Been meaning to getting around to doing this for awhile.  Trouble is, when I felt like expressing my thoughts (yes I have them on occasion) I wasn't near my laptop, and when I could have done it, I really didn't feel like sitting down and making my brain work.  (Yes I have a brain, they did a couple of CT scans to prove it!)  I so wish I could be one of those witty, inspired, dedicated to weekly posts, but I am not.  I suffer from "Shiny Metal Object Syndrome", other wise known as ADHD, oh sorry, got side tracked again.  :D

This surgery was the easiest of all of them.  Tuesday I went in to have the mass removed from under the right clavicle, in between the pectoral muscle, and the port I had for chemo was removed, it wasn't working anyway and they wouldn't be able to use it.  Wednesday my doctor let me go home.  I even asked him if I could go back to work part time on Thursday, but he said no I had to wait till after my follow up appointment, which was the following Monday, so I was back to work on Tuesday.  A bit achy, but otherwise functioning fairly well.

When I went in for my follow up, I got my hug from Dr. Flynn, love him and his staff.  Such wonderful, personable people.

Any way, first thing I asked was, did you get good margins?  Let me explain.  Most tumors are in cased in a very thin membrane, and the surgeon tries to remove a margin of healthy tissue around the tumor to make sure the membrane isn't damaged.  If it is damaged there is a possibility of microscopic cancer cells that are still there and the cancer will come back.  (No that isn't what happened in my case, in 2003 they got good margins by removing my left hamstring, hell the damn tumor was attached to it!)  I just happen to be one of those lucky folks that have it reoccur, and this year I was even luckier to have it decide to pop up in four different spots in my body, which does happen.

He did get good  margins.  BUT and here is the but, the pathology report says that in the 12:00 position of the mass the membrane was damaged.  Now remember we are talking about something that is extremely thin, and for the human eye to see it near impossible I would think.

Dr. Flynn explained to me that when he took out the mass, he removed a small portion of the pectoral muscle, along with a few branches of the nerve that it was attached to.  The nerve just so happens to be the nerve that controls my right arm.  He felt certain he got good margins, he even took a few branches of the nerve to be sure, and yes I can tell they are gone, luckily the motor skill they control does not bother me, and the other muscles are learning to help compensate.

The membrane could have been damaged at the lab, or the margin was there in the first place.  It isn't Dr. Flynn's fault, come on, this man is an amazing surgeon!  He removed part of my intestine and I don't use a bag to crap in!

So to err on the side of caution, I need to under go intensive radiation on the area the mass was in as well as more chemo therapy, which means I will have another port put in.  (When they take it out it will be the third port in my collection!)

The eighth I see the Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Chinalt, and on the 13th I see my Chemo Therapy Oncologist Dr. Vaughn, they'll give me my schedule, and what drugs will be used.  Dr. Flynn will put in another port and I'll start.

That in a nut shell is what is going on.   Think I'll go read a book, hmm, maybe go to Starbucks and sit around.  It is really going to suck having the colder weather here, I've come to enjoy sitting out on the deck or at Starbucks to relax and read.  Oh well, that is a topic for another time. Talk to you all later!!