Speeding Thoughts & Emotions

Wow two in one day.  Amazing isn't it?

I have had an issue with attention deficit for a long time.  I have always dealt with it with lots of caffeine.

It was easy to do as a kid.  My parents made coffee in a coffee urn.  Like a twenty cup one.  They would drink the coffee all day.  Yes, cold.  And guess who was the one that got to go get Mom or Dad's cup of coffee? That lead to me just drinking coffee whenever.

Still love coffee, and have developed a taste for fresh roasted beans, Guatemalan, Peruvian, and Columbian.

Always have had several different thoughts going through my mind at one time, always the one with several projects that seemed like chaos that magically came together in the end.

Yes, there is a point to this.  I have a hypothesis about the new chemo.

Now you are sitting there thinking ok, get on with it what are your thoughts.

My hypothesis is that the Yolandis exacerbates the attention issue, the thought process, and the emotions.  Along with insomnia.

I base it on my morning.  I went to meet a Lawn Contractor to get a quote for Raines Court (no I do not own it, I am trying to help by getting quotes and over seeing work.  I am too old to do this stuff, and physically, not capable to do some of it.)

The Southern Wind Landscaping owner actually called asking if it was ok to be 10 minutes late.  Wow, that is amazing for a contractor.  Apologized when he got there.  In the mean time I was talking to the General Contractor working on the interior.  He speaks English fairly well, but since my mind started racing, and the emotions running like nuts it was not the easiest.

Oh I wasn't nasty or rude.  I knew that the body chemicals are havoc.  But when that happens even the simplest thing turns into a HUGE mountain.

The lawn issues are addressed, and the removal of the wild bushes addressed.  Made me feel better. But then I started making my list for the trip to Lowe's and knowing I need to address items that weren't delivered back on the 18th of September, and I have been going back and forth with them started up the emotional roller coaster again, along with speeding up the thoughts.

Armed with my list, the light that was too big I needed to return and get the smaller version, and information on the order with item numbers of the missing (for the record two toilets and a florescent fixture).

I got to Lowe's at 12:30 left there at 1:30 give or take.  I swear I felt like I was there for three hours, going back and forth from feeling ok to wanting to burst into tears because the toilets weren't delivered.  Never mind trying to keep one thought.

While customer service dealt with their two different systems, once which was down, I rushed here and there grabbing what was needed.  Replacement light, board, outlet covers, floor vents.  Literally I was feeing so stretched out and frazzled, and again wanting to burst into tears.

I kept thinking I cannot wait to get home make ice coffee, sit on the deck and put the gimp leg up.  I grabbed a Gatorade (I crave orange Gatorade when I go through chemo, no idea why.  Never craved anything during my two pregnancies, but I do remember feeling so starved I ate something like 10 hot dogs, give or take).

Got all the stuff to the contractor, he is there working his butt off, amazed that I got two toilets in my car.  He unloaded the car, and I came home.  While I was taking a bag out of the car, I started to calm down.  Which made me start thinking of how this has happened a few time since chemo.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.

All the while I wanted to stop and do a post about the way I was feeling. How things flew through my mind.  The bursting into tears I think was from the frustration of the thoughts flying.  If I could work as fast as they were going, I'd have a spotless  house in an hour and a half.  The one thought I did hold on to was I do not want to just burst into tears.  Not for no reason.  I can't remember the last time I did cry, a real sobbing cry and that is what they would have been.

I can be very grateful, I haven't felt the sadness that comes with those heart racking sobs.

At the moment things are normal in my head.  I am having coffee, and I am going to sit on the deck, listen to a book and look through pictures.  The house still needs cleaned, and my car needs a bath, oil change and the such, but I think the emotional roller coaster I put myself through earns me the afternoon off.

And yes, I am going to talk to Dr. Vaughn when I see  him on Oct. 11th.  Hell, I didn't get mood swings when I went through menopause.

I feel like me.  And that is what counts.