An Attempt to Explain Me

I am an introvert with extroverted tendencies.  I know that is a real oxymoron.  But it is the truth.

To be honest, I have always been that way.   I remember being a kid and wanting to be the one to be picked first for teams or special projects like speeches at assemblies.  While I wanted to be picked, inside I was terrified to be picked.  I was the one that would climb trees and hide from people.  The solitude and beauty of being high in a tree always brought me peace.

When I was honest with myself, I really didn't want to be the one picked.  But when I was I would suck it up and pretend.  Acting like I wasn't scared or nervous became second nature to me.  (Please don't jump to conclusions like I am afraid of the cancer and outcome.  That is the one thing I am not frightened of.)

I learned to control that introvert part of myself.  Became an adult, I was in such a hurry to grow up!  What was I thinking?  Job interviews, those horrified me.  Now phone interviews terrify me.  I'd rather see who I was talking to so I can read the body language.

When I started the shelter, I never thought about becoming someone in the public eye.  It wouldn't have happened if I did.  I saw a need and wanted to make a difference.  I remember thinking I could do it all on my own.  Educate people, work a full time job, fund raise, take care of the animals.  I had my shining armor on and rode my white charger, I was going to make a difference, all on my own and not in the spotlight.

I soon found out I was wrong.  I ended up doing public education, doing interviews with the media, needing help with the shelter, actually looking for volunteers, facing my introvert fears, and swallowing pride, I was asking, sometimes begging for help.  My pride was swallowed, my armor dented and dull, my white charger ran off.

So many things started happening that I couldn't control.  Oh, yeah, I do have a bit of an issue with control and ownership issues.

In 2003/2004 I would never have made it mentally, the shelter wouldn't have made it financially (neither would I) if it were not for people who were willing to help.  It was a difficult time going through the chemo, radiation and surgeries.  Learning to walk again was a trip.  Well if you have to go to the bathroom and you are on the first floor - the bathroom on the second, you find a way to get up those stairs. Amazing what having to pee can do.

Fast forward to now.  I am still introverted.  I actually do have to gather myself to walk into the gym.  (Yes I started working out, doctor encouraged too.  I figured the stronger I make my body, the better chances of a longer life, I need a trainer, :D )

There have been so many things going on that I can't control.  Contract not being rebid, so I lost the job I had; and as much as I would complain about it, I liked it.  The cancer coming back.  It tends to bring out the introvert so I can sit in the quiet to think and look for a job.

One of the reasons I like camping is the fact during the week it is quiet, I am removed from everything, all I have to do is enjoy nature, cook, play with the girls.  I am removed from the house and the feeling like I should be doing this that or the other thing.  I am alone.  It is hard to explain.  It is peaceful, and centers me.

Now I am still that prideful woman.  I want to do everything on my own.  I want to show the world I can do it.  It is very hard, just about impossible to ask for help.  But that is what I am doing how.

Help me spread my story.  Help me educate people about what it is like for a regular, working stiff that lost their job deal with being terminal; having an expiration date.  Get people thinking.  Help me educate.  Help me help others with cancer that there is more than just the diagnosis and prognosis.  Help me let care givers know that we with cancer know it is extremely hard on them.  Help me help friends and families know that  we know it is difficult for them, they don't know what to do.  Just don't disappear.  Help me help other cancer patients with my type of pride issues to realize they can ask for help.

I need my family and friends.  I need help.  What type of help?  That depends.  Sometimes I just need to talk and work things out.  Sometimes I just need someone to sit and have a glass or two of wine with me and laugh.  Sometimes I need heavy things moved.  (I do ask) Sometimes I need to escape my reality.  I am not the best communicator (isn't that funny since I spent the last 8 years in communication)   I hate the phone, and to be honest over the past year of job hunting, the computer isn't too popular with me, mainly because the amount of time spent researching, well that is my hypothesis.  I know I can't do this on my own.  But please understand I do need the quiet time to recharge and reflect.