Depression

Depression isn't something that only cancer patients suffer from.  Anyone can suffer from it.  It is one emotion that cancer patients share with everyone.  This is my whine about my depression.  Yes, I am working on a whiny post about how crappy I feel.  You may want to bail now.

This may be depressing or even make you angry.  But that is OK, because it gets a reaction from you.

If you know someone who suffers from depression either openly or silently, let them know you are there.  It can make a huge difference.

I am depressed.  Very depressed.  Normally I try to hide it and put on that brave face like nothing is wrong and nothing can stop me.  When I am around people I have a little switch that I can flip that puts the façade of everything is great.

Cancer is physically and emotionally exhausting.  So is life to be honest.

I am at that Stage IV of the four emotional stages of terminal cancer.  Actually it isn't just terminal cancer that depresses me.  Life in general is depressing, but the cancer is the main reason, well one of two  main reasons I feel this way.

I am tired of the hurry up and wait routine of cancer.  I think I have said that before.  Hurry up, set up the appointment for the doctor, now wait for the appointment.  Hurry up and set up the appointment for the scan, now wait for the scan, then wait for the doctor to read it.  Hurry up and wait.  Then you get the results and it is either hurry up and wait nothing has changed or hurry up and figure out what is next because it spread.  Hurry up and wait, don't plan anything because this can screw up the best laid plans.  Or you go and plan or try to plan around the appointments or the unknown.

Hurry up and wait.  Hurry up and wait.  I am tired of hurry up and wait.

I am tired of being on disability.  I am tired of being worried about making sure I can keep Medicare, I am tired of not working.

I want to work.  I need a job.  I need one that pays what I get on disability and has good health insurance.  Yeah, the health insurance is a biggie in the hurry up and wait game.  Yes, I want off of disability and I want to work.  But finding that job that pays, has insurance and is willing to deal with the cancer issue is a rarity.  Yes, discrimination is illegal.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen and proving it is next to impossible.

I am tired of feeling alone.  I need people and friends.  Folks to hang out with and talk to.  Someone that comes over just to BS.  The connection of someone being there. I feel like my life is a drift in between the times that there are doctor's appointments, scans and the next job application.  Like I am this little boat in an ocean just drifting with no where to anchor.

This isn't my best writing.  I didn't expect it to be, but it is truth about how I feel, and I am sure there are others out there that feel the same way.

I am so tired of drifting and feeling lost and alone.  I am so tired of feeling depressed.  I am so tired of cancer and all the bullshit that goes with it.  I am so tired of feeling worthless, that I have to depend on everyone if I get sick.  I am so tired of feeling like if something happens I let people down, I am so tired of this whole cancer thing.  I am so tired of feeling like a drain on my family and friends.  LIke I always need them to be here an around me to make me feel better.  I am so tired of being the strong one.  I am so tired or feeling tired.  I am so tired of the lack of taste and having to take meds every day.

I am just so tired.  And I am sure there are others that feel the same way as I do.

I need to go back to school or something.  Free.  Yeah, that is the killer.  Anyone know of a good search for grants for old, dying people who need to get a job?

I am tired of feeling worthless, like a drain on everyone.

Yeah, I'm depressed, but I am trying to be honest about it.