Ah come on, you got to admit the title is funny, and true. It is self imposed, it is a choice I made of my own free will.
Think about it, I have the choice of getting treatment or not. Free will, my choice. I have the choice to continue to go though treatment and surgeries, or to say no.
I have the choice to say I will fight to live or just lay down and die. Sorry, ain't choosing the latter. I have a few more things left on my list of things to do in life. Like dating, travel and the such. Don't worry Jim, I will try not to say things that will mortify you and Jasmine. :D
Oh, and on the poisoning aspect of the title, I am being pumped with chemicals that do poison my body, the drugs don't know what is a healthy cell or a cancer cell, it kills indiscriminately, hence all of the side effects both present and future of the drugs. It is a part of the price to pay for the opportunity to live life as full as possible. A price I am fully willing to pay, even if some of the chemo drugs I receive may cause a future cancer.
Yesterday by the time I was finished, I had to call for someone to come and pick me up. I drove myself, and I fully expected to have this chemo start off like the one in 2003. I didn't feel the dizziness or nausea until hours after the final treatment the first round. Four days of chemo and I didn't feel it until I was in a grocery store. I remember thinking when I was leaving the hospital that I was going to handle the chemo just fine.
I went into chemo this time expecting to have it not effect me until Friday. I was glad they decided to do my therapy on an outpatient basis, because, I'd just drive my happy ass to work after chemo, at least during the first cycle.
WRONG!!! Boy was I wrong. I started feeling dizzy during the treatment. Not that fun kinda dizzy you get if you have a nice buzz going, (don't ask) but that "UH OH I think I am going to be sick" dizzy. Dizzy enough for me to know I wasn't going to drive feeling like that. Making me pick up the phone and ask for help.
Asking for help for myself isn't easy for me. When I ran the shelter, I had no problem asking for help for the shelter, I have no problem asking for help for a friend, asking for help for myself, well that is a different matter entirely.
But I sucked it up and asked. I texted my friend Michelle, and called my boss, Glen. He told me not to worry, they would make sure I got home ok.
I got home ok, and Glen even took Bailey out to potty. I forgot to tell him her trigger words, "Potty potty, poopie, poopie", but Bailey was good and peed for him.
I work on a Marine Base, no I am not a Federal Employee or a Marine. I am a contractor. Long story. But I hope that anyone who has the opportunity to work on a Marine Base is lucky enough to work with Federal Employees, Contract.ors, and Marines that I get to work with.
They are a truly amazing group of people, from our Branch Head to each and every one I work with. It is better that working with family. I can't say enough to make you understand how it feels.
I know that they will be there to help me when needed. It is amazing. I know that my back is covered. I think part of it is the people, they are the most amazing people to work with, even if we are getting on each others last nerves, we get along. I would do anything to help any
one of the guys I work with (yes I do work with some females, and I include them in the guys term).
So why do I have a hard time asking for help when I need it? I don't know. I wired myself that way. Yes, I did it myself. Goes back to the choices thing. As a kid, I chose to be the quiet dependable one who always listened and got good grades. My choice for many years was to be a wall flower. Life has a way of kicking you in the ass and I decided that I was never going to be dependent for anything. Well people have a way of taking things to the extreme.
Even though I don't view it as a weakness but a strength when one asks for help when needed I just have a hard time doing it. But one thing that cancer has taught me is to humble my ego and ask for help.
Which gets me onto another tangent. Cancer is harder on family and friends. No doubt. They feel helpless. They cannot do anything to take away what is going to happen, they can't change it, they can't make it go away. They feel like all that they can do is sit and watch someone they care about go though hell on earth.
Trust me it is no picnic getting chemo, or going though the surgeries, but I know it is all harder on them. They worry, worry too much if you ask me.
So as cancer patients (hate that word victim, and I think I said something about that earlier) what are we suppose to do? Realize that it is harder on them. Think about it. How would you feel if it were someone you care about?
I asked for help and it was there. I feel grateful to have so many people in a support network that I know will be there for me. The thing I have to be diligent about is not to ask for help when I am capable. Not to abuse my friends and family's willingness to help. And I fully expect them to tell me if I get to that point. But if I can do something myself, I will.
Now here is something that blows every parents mind. My kids give me the same advice I have given them through their lives. It is an amazing, humbling experience. A feeling that I experience every time my son Jim gives me the advice I had given him through the years. My daughter Jasmine feeds it back to me too. LOL!
Yes I am proud of both of them. I can honestly say that the two things I did right in life was have my children, and make some of the hard choices I did. They have turned into the most amazing adults.
Ok, so now I am bragging, I am allowed, it is my blog after all.
One thing to remind you about, I will be posting pics, some of them may be gross, but the grosser ones will be from the tumor removals. Yep I want pictures of the tumors they remove.
Now I think I'll stop and do some bill paying.
One more thing before I sign off, don't expect all of the time, or to deal with the exact thing I am going through. Or to make sense, be properly spell and proper English. The drugs will see to that. I will be thinking I am typing the most eloquent writing of all time, and it ends up being well, not so.
You have been warned!! :D
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