Reflections on 2011

Well, it is 6 PM on New Year’s Eve, the dogs just finished their dinner, the house is very quiet, Jasmine is at work at the Log Cabin, Jim left to go out with some of his friends, Michelle and Evelyn went to church in their PJs.  OMG PJs!!

Here I sit, and have the urge to write.  But what to write about? I look back over the past year and I do not wish any of it changed.  Yes, it was a challenge; I think more of a challenge to those around me than to myself.

I have to admit, last New Year’s Eve I wasn’t even thinking that I’d be spending 2011 dealing with cancer and surgeries, hell, I was just hoping to get through the year with positive balance in my savings account.  (And yes I did that!  I have thirty-five cents in my savings account, isn’t much, but it is a positive!)

Last year I may have even thought I might have a date on New Year’s Eve, but life had something different in mind for me. 

Life doesn’t give you what you want, but it gives you what you need.  Sometimes I have to disagree with that statement. 

The reason being, a dear friend of mine lost her son in Afghanistan.  What mother needs that grief?  My heart breaks for her; she has faced the loss of her son with honor and dignity.  She has brought honor to his memory.  She is an incredibly awesome woman.

But when it comes to me, it seems that saying works.  The lessons it brings me aren’t always the easiest to take, and sometimes I wish that it would just bring me what I want (think winning lottery ticket and being a philanthropist).  But it is what it is.

In 2003 life brought me cancer, a time in my life when I really thought that the human race was comprised of two kinds of people, those who loved their pets and those who thought they were disposable, and those who would say what they thought you’d like to hear but not mean a word of it.  To be honest my heart was in a very dark place.

Back then it taught me that not everyone was like that, that there were people to genuinely care and wanted to help, and it taught me I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.

2011 I needed lessons again; at least life saw it that way.  But I don’t think I learned anything new, it just reaffirmed things I already knew.

I already knew I worked with the best bunch of people you could wish for, I mean how many people that YOU work with would shave their heads to show support and that they care?  Seriously.  You have no idea how that touched my heart.

My daughter chose to leave her life in California to be here with me, no one will know what that means to me, and I watched her grow as a woman.  She has been blossoming and becoming the woman and artist I always knew she was.

My son is working on his PHD.  And I am so proud of him, but nothing in the world can describe how I felt when he told me he was proud of me.  I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much that meant to me.

All of my friends with their cards and notes of support, letting me know that they were thinking of me, and my sister Carol with her bracelet campaign, and the notes and packages from Addie.

Yeah some of it was a bit rough, even gave the doctors a scare, but I survived it.  Got the scars to prove it.  Five surgeries this year.  Lost 2/3 of my right lung, two feet of intestine with two tumors, part of the right pectoral muscle and main nerve to the arm, but it was all worth it.  I am alive and I have a wonderful family and a great bunch of friends.

So, I may not be out to a fancy party with a date to ring in the New Year, but I am content in knowing that I have family and friends who love and are there for me.

Happy New Year everyone, May the New Year bring you health, happiness, prosperity and all that your heart desires.

Huh, maybe next year I'll have a date. ROTFLMAO!!

Cycle FIve, Day Three

Cancer is such an insidious disease.  Is that even a word?  I mean I look around me everyday I am here and see young people, young parents, middle aged parents, grand parents, even teens.

It doesn't  know any boundaries, it doesn't know race, or creed.  It doesn't care if you are Buddhist, Christian, or Muslim.  Whether you are rich or poor.  It just doesn't care.

I wish there was a way to have it leave the  young alone.  The children, the teens, the parents with young children.

I look at it this way, it is a hard enough thing for the family and friends to deal with but it is even harder if it is a child, young person or parent with young children.

It is hard on the older children, like the ages mine are, but mentally they are better equipped to deal with the mortality of human life.

Not sure exactly where I am going with this.  I am OK with the fact I have/had it, and need to deal with the chemo, but I wish there was some way to make it easier for others to deal with, not just my own family and friends, but people who feel lost.

Been feeling rather good this round of chemo, which I am very grateful for, but not in the "Holiday Spirit".  Maybe because the extra cash I would have had for shopping has been paid out for medical bills.  Who knows.  I do love shopping during the Christmas Season for others, I love seeing things I know they'd like and getting them, but I think most people do.  Just gotta watch the budget a bit closer this year.  No biggie.

Got to get a tree this weekend, and hopefully get some baking done, but it depend on how I feel.  If I feel like I do now, shouldn't be a problem, but come about noon time it will be nap time, chemo kinda tires you out the day you get it for a few hours.

At least it is the way it is with me.

Enough rambling and going on, so we'll see you next time.

An Interesting little artcle by David Haas regarding Caner and Recovery

David is an advocate for Cancer Patients.

If you'd like more info let me know and I'll pass on your email addy!

Day One, Cycle Five

Actually if my white count was better last Monday I would have been doing this post then, but since my white count wasn't where the doc felt comfortable giving me the chemo it got put off for a week.

On my "10" day appointment, (you go in the office for a visit with the Nurse Practitioner and blood count) my immune system was in the tank.  That surprised the Nurse Practitioner, since I felt great, had good color.  I was put on this antibiotic for ten days to give my system a bit of support.

Come to think of it, I am surprised a bit myself since a couple of the guys weren't feeling good at work.  But what ever, I still felt great and made it through the cycle without going to the hospital.

Oh yeah, one thing I did was make a batch of orange vanilla cupcakes with pale pink and blue butter cream and heart cut outs of white fondant for Debbie (she is a friend and FANTASTIC nurse at Mary Washington, 4th floor)  Yes, she is PREGGERS!!!  I hope it is a girl.  She'll have two wonderful big brothers, and a Daddy every boy fear.  :D

Anyway back to this mess.  So my original schedule would put my third and final cycle the week of December 26, but the office is closed on the 26th for the holiday.  Which means this may drag into 2012, which doesn't thrill me a whole lot, but it is a quick way to meet my out of pocket expenses and deductibles (still have the $40 an office visit copay). 

I don't know, I guess I was hoping to start the new year off without chemo, but it is what it is, and I may end up doing chemo the first week of the new year.  Hell of a way to start the New Year, but oh well.  Just remember Valentine's Day 2011 I was starting chemo, so it really isn't a big deal.

Oh, I just thought of something.  It would be a hoot to go to a New Year's Eve party bald.   You know, get all dressed up and put a polish on the chrome dome. 

Yes, no hair again, hell last Monday I was at work, bored and I ran my hand through my hair and came out with a bit of hair, then I started plucking my hair, got a little pile on my desk, looked at it and said "Ew, that is such a gross thing to do!"  Swept the pile of hair into the trash can, and a few minutes later started it all over again. 

It was like when you have a spot that is a bit tender when you touch it, but you can't help touching it.  You know you should just leave it alone, but you just can't stop yourself.  An OCD thing maybe.  Like when you have a scab and one day start to pick at it, you can't help yourself once you start and it is super hard to stop yourself.  Yes, I am off my rocker a bit.

I am stuck here at the ski lodge (Hematology Oncology and Associates where I go for chemo looks like a ski lodge)

This is what I get to sit next to in the lobby.  When you walk in it feels like you are going to register for your room at the ski lodge.

In the back where you get your chemo, there are huge windows over looking a wooded area, you expect to see a lift.

Beautiful place, if  you have to get chemo may as well be somewhere that is pleasant.

Speaking of, Doc couldn't make up his mind whether he was going to hospitalize me for my chemo or keep doing it as an out patient.  Since I did so well during Cycle One, I am staying as an outpatient.

Today is my longest day of the cycle.  I won't get out of here till about 3.  Day one of the cycle is the longest.  Tomorrow it will be shorter by 1/2 hour, and the same for Wednesday.

Have to decide when and where to get the Christmas Tree, and what weekend I'll do the power baking.  Not the weekend of the 17th/18th. 

Oh well, feels like nap time so I am going to take a nap. 

Ciao for now!